Okay, to start I really love the idea/theme of this piece. I love how you use sleep as a way to tie the entirety of the world together. It makes your piece truly unique. That being said, here comes your wish (please remember this is meant help!): 1) I'm not sure the title really works to tie the piece together-I'm not sure the comparison of sleep to a banner really fits. 2) The piece seems to be missing that flow I feel it really should have, almost as though the readers are being carried away by dreams and thoughts of this thing that ties us all together-perhaps almost like a lullaby. Having said that, there are some lines in this piece that I absolutely love: "Standing on the corner of dreams and reality", "Conjuring mind and body to relax", and "A ritual done by all souls". This is truly a fascinating theme and I hope you will take what I have said to be helpful, maybe even what you were looking for. My advice to you is to play around with it-add symbolism or a rhyme scheme, or try this and that-see what you can come up with. You're a wonderful writer and this piece has so much potential-I know you can do it!!!! ~Keep writing!!!
That being said, here comes your wish (please remember this is meant help!): 1) I'm not sure the title really works to tie the piece together-I'm not sure the comparison of sleep to a banner really fits. 2) The piece seems to be missing that flow I feel it really should have, almost as though the readers are being carried away by dreams and thoughts of this thing that ties us all together-perhaps almost like a lullaby.
Having said that, there are some lines in this piece that I absolutely love: "Standing on the corner of dreams and reality", "Conjuring mind and body to relax", and "A ritual done by all souls".
This is truly a fascinating theme and I hope you will take what I have said to be helpful, maybe even what you were looking for. My advice to you is to play around with it-add symbolism or a rhyme scheme, or try this and that-see what you can come up with. You're a wonderful writer and this piece has so much potential-I know you can do it!!!!
~Keep writing!!!