A Memo from the Ocean - Comments

  • Jooombiiine

    Jooombiiine (100)

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    @ sebastian michaelis.
    Thank you so much! I appreciate your feedback!
    April 2nd, 2019 at 02:23am
  • edward midford.

    edward midford. (205)

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    This layout, so simple yet goes so perfectly with the poem. It almost intensifies the poem, if that makes sense lol. I love that it starts with the ocean being welcoming and then it's upset with betrayal in the end. At least, that's how I interpret it lol. It's such a wonderful poem for it being your first one, well done!! :)
    April 2nd, 2019 at 01:05am
  • Jooombiiine

    Jooombiiine (100)

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    @ fala amo.
    Thank you! I appreciate the feedback!
    March 31st, 2019 at 01:48pm
  • lonely girl.

    lonely girl. (250)

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    Ah! How lovely! The layout definitely helps to give this poem its lulling qualities, and as a first time poem you've done a wonderful job. I particularly like how you've given the ocean a voice in this, and have made it resolute that it will survive (a nod to global warming I'm assuming and the melting of the ice caps), even attack back in a similar way and harm humans survival as we did with the "toxins".

    From a technical standpoint (and this is all of my opinion) your first stanza is quite short and punchy, very singsong. It seems almost childlike and somewhat out of place with the longer sentences in the stanzas that follow. I would suggest lengthening the first and last lines so that it isn't so out of place with the following stanzas, for example:

    I am the [ adjective ] ocean, / Glittering in motion. / I flow with ease, / [ descriptive language ] Doing as I please.

    The same happens in the third stanza, I feel like the first two lines are two short and need something to ground them more, such as:

    Then the toxins drift in, / Destroying me from within.

    Apart from this, I thoroughly enjoyed the poem! You've done a wonderful job and I hope that this has kick started a poem bug! tehe
    I'll definitely be on the lookout for more.
    March 31st, 2019 at 08:43am
  • Jooombiiine

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    @ strawberrylegs
    Omg! Thank you so so much!! I was so nervous about posting it, so thank you for taking the time to read and comment on it! Hug
    March 26th, 2019 at 05:45am
  • strawberrylegs

    strawberrylegs (100)

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    This makes me feel very peaceful. Sounds like it's actually from the ocean's POV, warning us and forgiving us all at once for what we've done to it. For being your first poem ever, this is really fantastic!
    March 26th, 2019 at 05:20am