i loved this, it was beautiful. the imagery was great.... you really brought me to the place you were talking about. all the stanzas tickled my senses.
i also loved the way you had the structure. my favorite of all stanzas was definitely the first one. it was just beautiful. the rhyming was great, the little extra line at the end of each stanza was perfect. brilliant =)
one thing that i didn't really like was the word choice. you tend use very big words, often unnecessarily. so the way the words are almost seems forced. i mean unless you feel more comfortable and natural using big vocabulary. it almost seems a little bit like one of the really smart kids in school who would get up and proclaim the answer to the class and it would go straight over everyone's head. i'm not saying the way you picked your words is bad... it's just my personal preference. it can seem to take the artistic manner away from the poem. just keep in mind that the best poetry is universal, and poetry can more often than not be made more beautiful and astounding by expressing elaborate images in small words. that is what poetry is all about... being able to say so much in a very little amount of space.
ok done criticizing =) really, it was fantastic. beautiful. i loved it. wonderful job!
i also loved the way you had the structure. my favorite of all stanzas was definitely the first one. it was just beautiful. the rhyming was great, the little extra line at the end of each stanza was perfect. brilliant =)
one thing that i didn't really like was the word choice. you tend use very big words, often unnecessarily. so the way the words are almost seems forced. i mean unless you feel more comfortable and natural using big vocabulary. it almost seems a little bit like one of the really smart kids in school who would get up and proclaim the answer to the class and it would go straight over everyone's head. i'm not saying the way you picked your words is bad... it's just my personal preference. it can seem to take the artistic manner away from the poem. just keep in mind that the best poetry is universal, and poetry can more often than not be made more beautiful and astounding by expressing elaborate images in small words. that is what poetry is all about... being able to say so much in a very little amount of space.
ok done criticizing =) really, it was fantastic. beautiful. i loved it. wonderful job!