Okay much better. I love the end. (woot) There are however, a few mistakes: "Didn’t know laid ahead." and "Fading away in to memory" One other thing, in the third verse you used back twice in the first two lines. Rather then saying "The burden in the back of her mind" you may wish to say "The burden held in her mind" (or something to that effect) Besides that, its very well done.
- Crayon Eater