Admitting It Hurts
I always thought that maybe,
If I dreamed and pleaded and cried,
Maybe, just maybe, you would see I was in need,
And at one point you actually tried.
You told me you liked me
As I felt myself cheering within my brain,
While I told you I felt the same exactly,
And so began that slowly derailing train.
It was no big deal for the first few clicks of the clock,
Just another guy that I could add to my side.
I wasn’t very sincere, & was hard as a rock,
But somehow three months passed, & you were still mine.
It was at four that the real problem began,
Only I didn’t even know it.
“I love you,” is what you first said,
And I didn’t even catch a crack, not one bit.
We were stronger than ever when we got to six,
Then I was breaking all over the place.
“I can’t believe in God,” I told you in a fit,
But you, a believer, by my side, still staid.
We were inseparable, taking on one obstacle after another,
And maybe that’s where I should have stopped.
For most of my life, anything perfect scattered,
But I ignored the past & forced it out of my thought.
We were two lovers, no matter how young we were,
And no parent could keep us apart.
You made me feel things that had never stirred,
And I showed you a life filled with art.
Tongues pressed, skin warm, we grew attached,
And you eventually got me to believe in a God of love.
I never believed in anything but the catch,
And then you entered my life & proved them wrong.
It was the summer before our one year
When I made the mistake of a lifetime.
I was saddened by the opaque future you painted with my tears,
And the ex-boyfriend was with me through the inner fight.
He and I poked, prodded, joked around like before you & me,
And I promised him my time alone the next day.
The following afternoon, there we were, pressed tightly,
The only words escaping my mouth were his name.
I was guilt ridden for weeks afterwards,
In which I kissed & cuddled you the meanwhile.
Eventually I forgot about how it was tearing me apart,
And we celebrated our first year through love’s trial.
It wasn’t until months later that the walls began to fall.
I was moving once more, though not that far.
However, you couldn’t take the pain of it all,
And so you broke the last bit of hope within my heart.
I blamed myself for so long, saying it was because of my mistake,
But then I kept getting brand new info from your friends.
They said you lied about why you broke up with me so late,
And my heart tore into two before my love for you came to an end.
The truth was that you never really loved me at all,
And I was the idiot who fell for your call.
I was lying to myself the whole time, & so were you,
And the person I fell in love with? I never even knew.
I was a month and a half into dating a new man,
One who made me laugh harder than you ever did,
When you called me and wanted to just talk, if we can.
We laughed & joked, and I wonder if that’s a sin.
For having put me through heaven & hell,
I sure am thankful for all you did.
You showed me how to reach out, to tell
My life to those who wanted it.
You reopened the possibility for me to love,
Though you lied to me in the process.
Either way, I thank you for your shove,
Because if you hadn’t, I would be hell sent.
If I dreamed and pleaded and cried,
Maybe, just maybe, you would see I was in need,
And at one point you actually tried.
You told me you liked me
As I felt myself cheering within my brain,
While I told you I felt the same exactly,
And so began that slowly derailing train.
It was no big deal for the first few clicks of the clock,
Just another guy that I could add to my side.
I wasn’t very sincere, & was hard as a rock,
But somehow three months passed, & you were still mine.
It was at four that the real problem began,
Only I didn’t even know it.
“I love you,” is what you first said,
And I didn’t even catch a crack, not one bit.
We were stronger than ever when we got to six,
Then I was breaking all over the place.
“I can’t believe in God,” I told you in a fit,
But you, a believer, by my side, still staid.
We were inseparable, taking on one obstacle after another,
And maybe that’s where I should have stopped.
For most of my life, anything perfect scattered,
But I ignored the past & forced it out of my thought.
We were two lovers, no matter how young we were,
And no parent could keep us apart.
You made me feel things that had never stirred,
And I showed you a life filled with art.
Tongues pressed, skin warm, we grew attached,
And you eventually got me to believe in a God of love.
I never believed in anything but the catch,
And then you entered my life & proved them wrong.
It was the summer before our one year
When I made the mistake of a lifetime.
I was saddened by the opaque future you painted with my tears,
And the ex-boyfriend was with me through the inner fight.
He and I poked, prodded, joked around like before you & me,
And I promised him my time alone the next day.
The following afternoon, there we were, pressed tightly,
The only words escaping my mouth were his name.
I was guilt ridden for weeks afterwards,
In which I kissed & cuddled you the meanwhile.
Eventually I forgot about how it was tearing me apart,
And we celebrated our first year through love’s trial.
It wasn’t until months later that the walls began to fall.
I was moving once more, though not that far.
However, you couldn’t take the pain of it all,
And so you broke the last bit of hope within my heart.
I blamed myself for so long, saying it was because of my mistake,
But then I kept getting brand new info from your friends.
They said you lied about why you broke up with me so late,
And my heart tore into two before my love for you came to an end.
The truth was that you never really loved me at all,
And I was the idiot who fell for your call.
I was lying to myself the whole time, & so were you,
And the person I fell in love with? I never even knew.
I was a month and a half into dating a new man,
One who made me laugh harder than you ever did,
When you called me and wanted to just talk, if we can.
We laughed & joked, and I wonder if that’s a sin.
For having put me through heaven & hell,
I sure am thankful for all you did.
You showed me how to reach out, to tell
My life to those who wanted it.
You reopened the possibility for me to love,
Though you lied to me in the process.
Either way, I thank you for your shove,
Because if you hadn’t, I would be hell sent.