True Life Stories Kids.

Well, I've thought about it. And I am ready to give you my answer. First, I would like to begin telling you something that might be very hard for you to understand. I think, I might possibly be, in love with you. Now I know your thinking, "You said you don't believe in that!", Or," Why would that be hard for me to understand?". Here is why I think I act the way I do. I start fights; Only because I think what we are is to good to be really true, so I pick little things to become pissed about and I turn them into this, this huge disaster, that way its easier for me to deal with it. That way I'm already hurt and upset. I don't think I deserve to be happy. People tell me all the time... They've all made it very clear to me that it is obvious to them that I make myself unhappy because I'm scared to actually be happy. Next I would like to explain to you why I don't treat boys very good; Its not just you. For the last three years I have treated all boys like shit. I use them, I tear them down... and at the same time I tell everyone how hurt I am when they treat me bad. I suppose one could say that makes me a hypocrite. It doesn't. It makes me a liar. Half the time, I'm not really hurt, I feel nothing. I am completely numb, I know how I should feel though, so I tell people what they would hear if someone was in my position. I tell people it hurts when people call me names, it doesn't. I tell people I cry after I've just been let down, I usually don't. I expect these things in advance, so when the time does come around, I already was ready for it. I have no pain. Therefore I can move on. Then, I met you. And, I started feeling all these, weird things, and I know that sounds cheesy and dumb but its true, and there's no other way to explain it. You made me change the way I view the world, and most of the time , I was truly 100% happy, no one could make me feel bad. I couldn't even make myself feel bad! It was the best time of my life, and I'm not just saying that. I let my guard and I just let myself... like you, then slowly it became more then a like. Then... I scared myself. I realized I was in this a lot deeper then I thought. Soon you became everything to me, my boy, my best-friend, my world. I thought about you all the time, I made plans around times I'd see you. During the summer, I made sure I was there for everyone of your phone calls... You became more then a want, it was a need. I was addicted to the way you made me feel. I felt like I was worth something, that maybe this whole "falling in love" thing was maybe, possible. That's what made me realize. I have to get out. I got so fucking scared I started trying to back-pedal. I thought, "Now, there is no possible way I let myself get in this deep..." But I had. And all I could see down the road had 'heart-ache" written all over it. At this point, you had waited about 4-5 months for me. I remember telling you not to. I remember you telling me it was worth it. I remember me, lying on the couch at 4 am wondering when the fuck did I mess up? How in the hell is this guy that is so completely perfect, trick me into falling for him without even realizing it. Then, you came back from Florida and we got into that fight, you know, the funny thing about that was that I don't remember a thing about that damned fight. I can remember actually hating myself. I can remember actually feeling real pain... I remember really crying. In fact , I can remember throwing myself into my medicine cabinet trying to find an escape. And I couldn't. I can't remember a single word we said to each other. I can't remember who started it, who had said what... but I could remember thinking, "I love him, and this is not how its going to end." Here we are. Both of us have been through some rough times... we've mostly have had better though, I hope you agree. I'm sorry... I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I caused any sort of amount of pain. I'm sorry for wasting 6 months of your time. Even though, they have been, the best 6 months of my whole life... which makes this, so uncontrollably hard. I want you to move on. I know I may regret this. But I will regret it more if I asked you to stay. I'm just not the girl thats suppose to make you whole, I'm not the girl that is suppose to be your whole world. The only thing you have ever done it treated me like a goddamn princess while I just sat back and was a complete bitch. I tried fighting you ever step of the way, and you don't deserve this. You do not deserve any damn thing that I may have put you through. So, I hope you can find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me... I hope that maybe one day, you'll wake up and realize what I'm saying is true. That you deserve better, that you should move on... I hope one day, maybe in years to come, we run into each other, and your so happy, because you met the girl of your best dreams, and you see me and realize that even though at the time, I made life so much more unbearable than it should have been... I hope you look at me and say thank you. Because even though we are only 15. People are right, everyone says it , what we had. It is not normal, it is so beautiful, so un-natural... and that scares me... I can't handle it. I am to fucking scared to take a risk that is this big. You took the jump... and I'm sorry I just walked away... I love you.