Staring At The Ceiling.

When I try to fall asleep at night,
I never can.
I just close my eyes
And feel your arms around me again.
I feel my palm pressed against your jawline,
Your lips pressed against my forehead.
Then it all burns up in flames.
If I don't self medicate,
I shake in terror.
Tremor.
All night.
Nighmares, shaking,
My worst fears and my best memories.
So I lie awake.
And stare at the ceiling.
Dream of the life I wish I had.
The life I wish I could achieve.
Caffinate.
Anxiety medication every hour.
Ibuprofen every four.
I rarely sleep.
I tremor.
I cry.
I stare at the ceiling.
Struggle to ignore the ghosts.
Laugh when I want to scream.
Talk because I want to drown in silence.
I'm a faker.
A pretender.
But what can I do?
No more sleepless nights of fire,
Lack of breath,
Strangled by my own memories.
Denial. Lies.
Pretend..pretend...
They don't see me at night.
All night...
When I terror
And stare at the ceiling.