Backwards Like My Heart
Inhale.
The lit end of the cigarette in my mouth is the only light in the room.
The Darkness is suffocating and it stops all movement-
all sound-
from where it originates.
Exhale.
The smoke hangs above my head in a noxious cloud of bitterness.
This Darkness will not let me forget how I have loved you.
This Darkness feeds off of tears.
And it is ravenous.
Reaching deep into my heart to bring up its next meal.
I can feel the acid rise in my throat.
I know this routine, and I know what's coming next.
Vomit.
So I close my eyes.
Hang my head over the edge of the bed.
I retch dryly.
Once, twice, and then the acid rises again.
Vomit disappears into the Darkness.
Drink.
I scrabble for the Saviour under the sheets.
My hand hits the flask, and I dig it out from under the cloth.
I manage to get the top off, and pour the virescent contents down my throat.
Inhale.
Oh how you would laugh if you could see me now.
You'd laugh until you were crying.
Crying with my nose snotting all over the pillow.
Like I did the last night you fucked me.
The smoke still hanging about my head forms a picture.
It's of you.
Your hair hangs in your eyes as you look down at me.
Your hand pins mine above my head.
Your free hand rakes your nails over my stomach.
Blood trickles toward our joined flesh.
A cat like grin comes over your face, and you want more.
Your knife cuts through my flesh like paper,
and you grip my heart with both hands.
I try to pull it from you, but you are inhumanly strong.
Your tongue dances over mine.
I can still taste regret on you and I pull away,
tucking my head into my shoulder.
A bloodied hand places my heart back into my ribs.
Stitches me up.
But my heart is backwards now.
It's broken.
I'm broken.
Broken by your incessant need to hold everything that is dear to me in your own hands.
Well now, into the Darkness I go.
Going in backwards, just like my heart.
Exhale.
The lit end of the cigarette in my mouth is the only light in the room.
The Darkness is suffocating and it stops all movement-
all sound-
from where it originates.
Exhale.
The smoke hangs above my head in a noxious cloud of bitterness.
This Darkness will not let me forget how I have loved you.
This Darkness feeds off of tears.
And it is ravenous.
Reaching deep into my heart to bring up its next meal.
I can feel the acid rise in my throat.
I know this routine, and I know what's coming next.
Vomit.
So I close my eyes.
Hang my head over the edge of the bed.
I retch dryly.
Once, twice, and then the acid rises again.
Vomit disappears into the Darkness.
Drink.
I scrabble for the Saviour under the sheets.
My hand hits the flask, and I dig it out from under the cloth.
I manage to get the top off, and pour the virescent contents down my throat.
Inhale.
Oh how you would laugh if you could see me now.
You'd laugh until you were crying.
Crying with my nose snotting all over the pillow.
Like I did the last night you fucked me.
The smoke still hanging about my head forms a picture.
It's of you.
Your hair hangs in your eyes as you look down at me.
Your hand pins mine above my head.
Your free hand rakes your nails over my stomach.
Blood trickles toward our joined flesh.
A cat like grin comes over your face, and you want more.
Your knife cuts through my flesh like paper,
and you grip my heart with both hands.
I try to pull it from you, but you are inhumanly strong.
Your tongue dances over mine.
I can still taste regret on you and I pull away,
tucking my head into my shoulder.
A bloodied hand places my heart back into my ribs.
Stitches me up.
But my heart is backwards now.
It's broken.
I'm broken.
Broken by your incessant need to hold everything that is dear to me in your own hands.
Well now, into the Darkness I go.
Going in backwards, just like my heart.
Exhale.