I Can't Be Myself
Mom, can I do this?
No, I'm sorry, you're too young.
Mom, can I have this?
No, I'm sorry, it's too expensive.
Mom, can I get this?
No, I'm sorry, that's not good for you.
I have heard these sentences for my whole life.
Not one day passing without them.
Every time I wanted something,
my mom would say no,
just because she didn’t like it.
When I was five I wanted to swing by myself.
She said no, because I was too young.
Actually she just didn’t want me to.
She thought I might fall off.
When I was eight I wanted this doll.
Mom said no, because it was too expensive.
In reality, she didn’t want to buy it.
She didn’t like it.
When I was fifteen I wanted to get my lip pierced.
My mom said no, because I would have it for the rest of my life.
Actually, she didn’t want to allow it.
She thought it looked horrible.
I was never allowed to do anything I wanted.
Nothing turned out right for my liking.
I couldn’t express myself,
I couldn’t be myself.
My mom always blocked me.
When I started wearing lots of black,
she wanted me to wear colors.
When I started to listen to Screamo,
she wanted me to listen to songs on the radio.
When I started finding myself,
she wanted me to be like everyone else.
She always wanted me to be like everyone else.
Being different wasn’t right in her opinion.
I had to fit in,
to look and act like everyone around me.
I never had the chance to be myself,
to be the one I wanted to be.
I was always ordered to look like this,
to act that way.
I haven't ever been able to decide by myself,
whether it was the clothes I wore,
or the hair color I wanted.
My mom always had a right to say no.
She was my mother after all.
the one who raised me,
the one who made me who I am.
Not feeling good,
made me fade.
Everything I was,
the happy girl,
who was never said.
It made me change.
I changed to be like this.
the way I am now.
I'm not happy at all.
I'm not sad either.
Sometimes I'm depressed,
but mostly I'm just empty.
I don’t know how I feel,
I don’t feel pain.
Pain is something I need,
without pain I can't be sure,
if I'm still alive
without pain I feel dead.
If my mother ever found out,
who I turned out to be,
she would abandon me.
She wouldn’t want to see me anymore.
She would send me to a psych ward.
I'm not crazy.
I don’t deserve to be there.
I'm just like everyone else.
With one little difference,
I can't be myself.
No, I'm sorry, you're too young.
Mom, can I have this?
No, I'm sorry, it's too expensive.
Mom, can I get this?
No, I'm sorry, that's not good for you.
I have heard these sentences for my whole life.
Not one day passing without them.
Every time I wanted something,
my mom would say no,
just because she didn’t like it.
When I was five I wanted to swing by myself.
She said no, because I was too young.
Actually she just didn’t want me to.
She thought I might fall off.
When I was eight I wanted this doll.
Mom said no, because it was too expensive.
In reality, she didn’t want to buy it.
She didn’t like it.
When I was fifteen I wanted to get my lip pierced.
My mom said no, because I would have it for the rest of my life.
Actually, she didn’t want to allow it.
She thought it looked horrible.
I was never allowed to do anything I wanted.
Nothing turned out right for my liking.
I couldn’t express myself,
I couldn’t be myself.
My mom always blocked me.
When I started wearing lots of black,
she wanted me to wear colors.
When I started to listen to Screamo,
she wanted me to listen to songs on the radio.
When I started finding myself,
she wanted me to be like everyone else.
She always wanted me to be like everyone else.
Being different wasn’t right in her opinion.
I had to fit in,
to look and act like everyone around me.
I never had the chance to be myself,
to be the one I wanted to be.
I was always ordered to look like this,
to act that way.
I haven't ever been able to decide by myself,
whether it was the clothes I wore,
or the hair color I wanted.
My mom always had a right to say no.
She was my mother after all.
the one who raised me,
the one who made me who I am.
Not feeling good,
made me fade.
Everything I was,
the happy girl,
who was never said.
It made me change.
I changed to be like this.
the way I am now.
I'm not happy at all.
I'm not sad either.
Sometimes I'm depressed,
but mostly I'm just empty.
I don’t know how I feel,
I don’t feel pain.
Pain is something I need,
without pain I can't be sure,
if I'm still alive
without pain I feel dead.
If my mother ever found out,
who I turned out to be,
she would abandon me.
She wouldn’t want to see me anymore.
She would send me to a psych ward.
I'm not crazy.
I don’t deserve to be there.
I'm just like everyone else.
With one little difference,
I can't be myself.