Don't Try To Understand

I thought I was happy today.
I thought I was finally okay...
I guess I was wrong.
How can I be okay, when every time I laugh,
I cry.

How can I be okay, when every time I smile,
It is short and gone after a while.

I get it,
I just deserve to stay happy.
To stay smiling, because when I do, when I try,
Someone always pushes me back to the need to die.

I can try to explain, maybe you'll get.
I can't be happy, when something bad always happens when I do.

I remember, I was smiling, I was laughing, I was cracking jokes faster than anyone else,
then someone turned to me, saying
"Aren't you supposed to be emo?"
I grinned to hide the hurt underneath.
"No."
"You can laugh and wear bright colors, but you are still gothic."

The hurt shone through my eyes, but I smiled and cracked another joke so I could hide.

I thought I was happy again.
When someone turned to me, and said-
"You realize they are making fun of you right?"
I the smile faded, but was back seconds later.
"I know."

I should have known, that I could never be like them,
I can never be happy and laugh like that.
"Hey vampire girl."

That is their nickname for me.
I don't ask why,
I guess I have to lie again.

My 'friend' never defends me, even if she sees.
My boyfriend never loved, even if he said did.
My mother, never understands, even if she says we are the same.
My father is never around, even if he says he will be.
My brothers, they don't like me, even if they said they do.
My 'best friend' killed herself so long ago, she never understood.

And they ask me why I am sad?
What idiot, they don't get it.
I am not sad.
I am nothing but a speck in the wind, that they walk over, and hurt, thinking they know better.
Living in their own sins not feeling a thing for the ones they hurt.

I can never be happy.
Don't try to understand.