insanity

it grabs ahold of me until im struggling to breathe, choking out my breathes from my strugling lungs. choking on my soul. my stomache tries to convince my brain that it needs to be emptied, yet i dont want it to. i breathe, or i try to. still no. my stomache is changing its mind agaun, now a black hole sucking at my existance. i feel like throwing up again. my mind is confused, wanting to die, live, breathe, choke. finally i scream at it to go numb, to leave me the fuck alone. NO- instead the pain increases as it drags a knife of pain along my spine. my legs, i cant feel them. everythings going cold. stop, i mean hot. haha, im not allowed to live, so it seems. my mind comes at me from all the shadows in the room. silently, it swips at my gut, yet i feel nothing and every thing all at the sane time. i feel like laughing and screaming and throwing up, all at once. my mind laughs with me, sending chills everywhere. its sick. im sick. we all sick for icesick. somehow, this doesnt sound as funny as i thought it out to be, so i cry instead. my brain notices and helps, sending my demons after me. all those bad times, all my moments of pain, humilliation, and times when i stare at a kitchen knife come back to me.

"hey honey! we're eating!"

"ill be down mom!"

i choke out. it saves this moment for another day.