Secret Thoughts

This is probably something I should never tell you but
it keeps repeating in my mind. Before I tell you what it is,
I'm going to take you back to when it all began.

I always had a strange feeling towards you, ever since I first met
you. My “best”friend introduced us and I don't know, after seeing
you I felt something growing inside me. But I ignored it, since yea
I hardly knew you.
Some time passed after that day and we met again. It was Christmas
this time and my friend brought me to see you. That day I saw your
mom and I met your step dad. The feeling I got when I was near you
was weird but yea, I ignored it, still.
Many months later, I changed school and I ended up in yours.
It was pretty awesome, I met all your friends and we became great friends.
I always had fun around you. We became such good friends and I started to
go to your house. I forced my friend to visit you more often, so that I can
just hang with you two. But the feeling I had inside of me grew and became
a little more noticeable.

That's the beginning of hell.

I felt jealous of the both of you, to the point where I started teasing you two.
You got mad at me plenty of times and you even wanted me dead.
But I couldn't help it, I only did it cause I knew I couldn't have you. One night after I visit you, my entire being wanted you. I wanted to kiss you at some point in the night and I had to literally tell myself:
“ I can't possibly like you!
You're already his!
You'll never like me that way cause I'm the person you hated most!
You wanted me dead!”
And in order to keep that feeling from returning, I focused on your friend.
I didn't like her really, I just used her to keep you off my mind.
Though time passed and I forgot about that night. (note: there was more nights)

After that I became a little more cruel towards you.

My jokes became allot meaner and my behavior changed too.
I became a little more depressed and I got angry pretty easily.
I started to notice that you were in pain cause of him.
You always talked about how depressed you were feeling and I pretended
I didn't care or showed next to no sign of interest.
But every time you were talking to your friend , I was listening to what you said.
It may have seem like I didn't care but I actually did. Even though I heard
what you where saying, I still didn't stop.
Me, you and your friend went to the movies a day. And I gave her all my attention
and ignored you, because I was jealous of my friend. I started to annoy him about
you and eventually he asked me to stop and he asked me why was I doing it?
I didn't had an answer for him, cause at the time I didn't really know myself.

Time passed and he found someone else.

I felt guilty.
I thought I ruined what you two had.
He met someone on the internet and it was I who encourage him to meet her.
I didn't know it would have happen the way it did.
If I did , I wouldn't have let him meet her.
He started hanging out with her more often and ignoring you.
You slowly became more and more depressed.
Things started brewing between them and they started to keep secrets from me.
She admitted that she is in love with him since the moment they met. And he
felt like it was his duty to make her happy and so he stabbed you in the back.
He thought you wouldn't find out, but he made a mistake by telling me about it.
I felt so horrible, I knew I had to have told you but I couldn't.
I gave you proof and it really did hurt you allot.
You didn't want your relationship to end but it did. He made his choice.

I couldn't stand seeing you the way you was!

December was the worst month ever for you.
I could have seen how depressed you were, I could have felt it
and without words I knew you might have been thinking about suicide.
Seeing you depressed made me depressed and also it made me realized
that I actually had feelings for you, but I just didn't know how to tell you.
I kept on going to your house to check on you, to see if there was anything
I could do to make you happy again. But you told me you were fine,
of course I knew you were lying. So I kept visiting and visiting.
On new years night I was supposed to go out with him and another friend
to his new girlfriends house but I didn't want too. I told them because I
wanted be nearby encase my cousin comes over but that was a lie,
I actually wanted to hang with you and just you really.
So we went to your house and I asked your mom if you may go out with us.
She said yes and so you tagged along with us.
We started walking with each other but pretty soon we ditch them and went to a friends house. After hanging out with them we went to my neighbors family party and we had tons of fun. You met my cousins and they all liked you.
Some people kept asking me if me and you were a couple but that's nothing new.
I had so much fun, but as always all good things must come to an end.
You started feeling sleepy so I brought you home.
That night I wanted to kiss you sew badly in your porch that it hurt! But I didn't.

Slowly you started to be happier

After that night all I really wanted was to kiss you but I was afraid too.
School started and everyday after school you would come to my house
and we just hang. And January 6, 2010 you made me eat my words.
“I'm the type of person that will never find that special someone,” I said to you
a few months ago.
We came to my house after school and we just talked. You were allot happier compared to how you were last month or last year, which ever you preferred.
We were having fun and I stick my tongue out at you and you did the same.
I got closer and closer to you and you didn't seem to care. I asked you if you think I actually had the guts to do it. But you told me you wouldn't care. Soo I licked your tongue and we started making out.

Some other guy?

I was so confused after that day, I wasn't sure about anything but all I know was that I wanted to do it again. I went to a parade with some friends. And they told me you
a crush on some guy. I couldn't really believe it, I even got drunk that day.
Hoping that it wasn't true I asked you about it a few days later. You told me that it was. I was shock, I really thought my heart stop beating for a moment. But you told me it's nothing for me to worry about. And you made me feel insured with a kiss.
One or two days later , we went to another parade. This one was actually painful to remember because I was attacked. You guys wanted me to resolve the problem I had with some guy but I didn't really cared because he was there.
I got really mad, cause I felt like you forgotten about me but you actually did.
I went away for hours and came back. I saw you and went to sit next to you and you
told me you almost kissed him.
I was pretty heart broken myself that night. Not because of the random events that had happen but because you told me that. I became scared because you made it seemed like hurting me is no big deal that day. I was just your whore nothing more and nothing less.

I was sad but you made me happy

After that night I felt sad, real sad. I thought you liked the other guy more than me.
Despite that I continue to be with you. I kept on making you happier and happier.
I did everything I could just to make you happy and I even faked a smile because that night still haunted me. But you made me happy when you said that I'm your number one.

You and me forever ,
My cookie <3

To Be Continued