I Don't Want Saved

Overwhelming suffocation
Blackness comes in all too clear
Don't act like you sympathize
I feel as if I'm drowning in myself
These walls have seen things
And you know these walls never lie

I don't know how to show you
What I feel, why I act, who I am
But this is all I'll ever be, take it or leave it
Through the years I've acted one way
Yet you see me in another, a falsity
I can't keep up your image of me, I'm done

We've been through a lot by now
Good times & bad, together- alone
Try to understand you're my lifeline- I hate you
I write these words alone in my own world
But they're crying out of my heart for you
Guess sometimes getting it out is all you can do

Never there when I need you, beside me when I don't
I don't even know what I want
Where should this go from here?
Can I keep it inside me forever?
No, it's on paper now & I can't- I won't

No matter where you're going, or where I've been
We end up back where we started
Running circles around my mind, in my thoughts
So it's like you're here with me, even though I know you're not

You drive me crazy- your hair, your eyes, your smile
Deep inside I know we're wrong, but I don't care

Lack of motivation, absolutely no inspiration
For something cathartic, freeing
I hate my talent, all the curses, the expectations
Of what I do & who I am being
Calling out to nobody- cause maybe I don't want saved
Outcast, freak, loser, goth, downer
Preppy, girly, fun, optimistic- unafraid
To be myself, no it's too much

These people can't handle so much of me at once
Distance yourself, tone it down a bit
Say what you want but don't offend anyone

Go ahead! Censor me again- prevent seeing what you're afraid to see
But the truth will reveal itself to you
In the form of reflection, the shine of a gun

Bang! Emotional overkill, exhausted
From all the running, running to nowhere, running from it
From fear, rejection, anxiety & doubt

There is confidence within the deep crevices of my soul
And happiness somewhere, there has to be
Along with every other emotion I have yet to disown

I laugh & its hollow, my resonating cries
Will haunt your dreams and fill your songs
Yet it's what's real to me-
Being real, being in touch with myself- not reality
It's hard to find that quality in people
Somemtimes though we're not meant to see it

It's covered in blackness