Painfully Aware

I am painfully aware,
Of all the pain that others share.
The pain,
The agony,
The hate,
The loneliness.

Our pain and fears of those who can hurt us,
The fear of painfully dying,
Challenging this fear,
Is painful,
It is true.

I am painfully aware of this challenge,
And do not fear,
The thought of painfully dying,
I can actually welcome that feeling.

I know pain should be feared,
But...
what if that isall you have,
Or known in your life?

Being brutally abused,
And hurt by terribly true words,
By your own mother,
Never complementing,
Just always saying negative things,
That in the end hurts me the most.

To change the way who I am,
Is impossible to change who I've become,
The clock strikes noon,
I sigh,
Another day,
Becomes a waste.

A sudden thought,
"What would happen if I was dead?
Would things be better?
Or would they become worse?"

"What could happen if I never survived the ordeal?"
A challenging thought,
But not a wondrous thought.

I have become painfully aware,
Of how painful the world truly is,
To learn this at a young age is a blessing and a curse,
But to say it over,
And over again,
Has become a miserable exsistance.

Many people have learned to tell me to shut up,
And I accept it,
Knowing that it is painful to know that people are fed up with my venting.

I feel alone to a point,
But my friends are willing to listen if I need a shoulder to cry on,
They are wonderful to me.

My boyfriend is painfully aware of my situation,
He listens to me when he doesn't want to,
I feel bad just always talking about myself.

I am painfully aware,
Of my mistakes that I have to share,
Causing others more pain then they need,
It is a miserable exsistance I know,
But it is the only one,
I have everbecome truly to know.