Faltering Heart

I know myself
It took a while
But I know

So why,
When I finally try
To step out of that closet
Into the light
Towards the world with open arms
Screaming
"I'm me, love me as I am!"
Does my heart falter?

How can my mind and heart agree
Until suddenly my heart leaps
And screams
"No, no not yet!
Maybe I'm wrong
I want to be wrong
No, not yet!"

It hurts to not be me
And yet it hurts to say who I am
Like my name cuts
Like a thousand knives
Into my chest.

Do I hate myself still?
Am I still ashamed?
Do I still hold on to that hope...

Hope I'm really normal
Hope I'll suddenly change
Hope that one day, I'll look back and laugh and think
"No, that was never me
How stupid!"

But these thoughts won't stop
I know that isn't me
But still my heart falters

I suppose I'll just stay here
Keep myself to myself
Until my heart finally settles.