Charades, Public affairs, Razor-Blades and Teddy-bears
I spent the last four hours with a razor-blade and a stuffed bear conjuring up reasons to live
No
That’s a lie.
Really, I was searching for reasons to die
I suppose it’s not so much the desire to kill myself
But more so the appeal of not existing anymore
Is it pathetic that I brought the teddy bear
I’ve had since I was three
Into the bathtub because I didn’t want to die alone?
Or that I spent half the time considering a public show?
It would only solidify their belief in my addiction to attention
Which of course
Is half true
But my addiction to approval fills the remaining space entirely
Like a heart split through the center
Or the yolk of an egg beneath the white
I’m not certain what’s evident and what’s not
Surely I consist of more than two halves?
You might be surprised to know that I love life
Mine in particular
Every aspect, I swear
And now all I can think of are the starving children in Africa
We learned about in Social Studies
That fight so hard
To live
In action movies we always want the protagonist to make it out alive
We see ourselves inside them for some reason, looking through their eyes at the perils
Settled in their paths
And we want so badly to win
The game
They’re playing
To amuse us
The satisfaction of conquest
Is so pretty
Inside my subsistence
Then weeks later,
Days later,
Hours later even
Death is such the ideal option
Funny how when you make the decision to stop
Being
The future only half exists
Of course the world will stop turning
And the sun will cease to rise and set
The way it does habitually when you breathe
But you’re still going to aunt Rachel’s Christmas Dinner this year
Still planning on attending your favorite cousin’s wedding next fall
And that end of the year party is only three weeks away
It’s twelve-fifty-one and forty-seven seconds
I have a Spanish test tomorrow
Well. Today.
In fact, I was going to fit studying into my schedule after suicide
I can see that’s not going to work out very well.
No
That’s a lie.
Really, I was searching for reasons to die
I suppose it’s not so much the desire to kill myself
But more so the appeal of not existing anymore
Is it pathetic that I brought the teddy bear
I’ve had since I was three
Into the bathtub because I didn’t want to die alone?
Or that I spent half the time considering a public show?
It would only solidify their belief in my addiction to attention
Which of course
Is half true
But my addiction to approval fills the remaining space entirely
Like a heart split through the center
Or the yolk of an egg beneath the white
I’m not certain what’s evident and what’s not
Surely I consist of more than two halves?
You might be surprised to know that I love life
Mine in particular
Every aspect, I swear
And now all I can think of are the starving children in Africa
We learned about in Social Studies
That fight so hard
To live
In action movies we always want the protagonist to make it out alive
We see ourselves inside them for some reason, looking through their eyes at the perils
Settled in their paths
And we want so badly to win
The game
They’re playing
To amuse us
The satisfaction of conquest
Is so pretty
Inside my subsistence
Then weeks later,
Days later,
Hours later even
Death is such the ideal option
Funny how when you make the decision to stop
Being
The future only half exists
Of course the world will stop turning
And the sun will cease to rise and set
The way it does habitually when you breathe
But you’re still going to aunt Rachel’s Christmas Dinner this year
Still planning on attending your favorite cousin’s wedding next fall
And that end of the year party is only three weeks away
It’s twelve-fifty-one and forty-seven seconds
I have a Spanish test tomorrow
Well. Today.
In fact, I was going to fit studying into my schedule after suicide
I can see that’s not going to work out very well.