A Certain Sickness

I feel sick
sick down to my core
I smile and laugh
when you say something
funny
I try to hide the pain
in my eyes
when you look at me
I feel crippled
like someone cut me
apart with a dull knife
and then
forced me
to sew myself back together
again
I want to fight
I want to kick and scream
but I can't get above
the blackness
the one that suffocates
me
I want to be cold
lying six feet under
but I can't help but
wonder
what would happen to the others?
would they miss me?
because no longer in class could they get
an easy A?
would my friends miss me,
cry even?
if I committed
suicide
my one true heaven?
would my books miss me?
lying closed and unread
would I miss being alive?
what would there be to miss?
being annoyed all day
and then see parents to get pissed....
off so easy
why can't I be alone for the day?
just be alone and read
to read about heros
and people who truly love each other
Is that what I'm making a big deal of?
LOVE?
my broken frikin heart?
I'm sick of being the good girl!
I want to act out!
scream, punch, kick
IT HAS TO GET OUT!
or I think I will colapse
under this pressure