Do you even love me?

Every night,
I lat awake in my bed,
thinking,
would you even care,
if I were dead?
All of the pain
could be taken away
with one simple
too-deep cut of that blade.
I think of that every night,
think of that one time,
you and mom
had that fight,.
I think of how far it tore out family.
Yet I also think of how miserable I would be,
living with a dad that doesn't love me.
I cry every night, begging for you to come back.
calling to the dark, lonely night, i scold myself.
Why can't I just forget you?!
You don;t love me, why should I love you?
I'm so much better than this.
But, it took until to reailze that I don't need you.
to live the happy life I now have.
I don't love you, But I don't hate you.