Turns to black

Why does everything I touch turn to black? What I mean by that is when I think sumtin to going great it turns into sumtin ugly and black. I mean I use to shit happening to me and that’s not right. Why can it be sumtin beautiful and sumtin that chances my life for the better instead of turning it into sumtin that I wish never happened? My life shouldn’t be like that I mean it should be sumtin I was proud of and not sumtin I wish was someone else’s life.
Why does when everything turns to black the people you thought that you could trust and had your back really don’t? Why is that?
I had so many dreams and things planed out for my life and they turned to black as well. I mean I wish the one thing that I thought would be there for the rest of my life wasn’t. I mean you know what I thinking about.
Why does everyone in my life turn to black? The people you trust and give your self to can’t do the same. What the hell is that? I mean I wish I had sumtin to hold on into this world that I can call mine and the only thing that is me and sum times I don’t even want that? Why is that? Why can’t I trust myself? Is it because I've been hurt so many times I don’t know how to put on broken self back together? Why do I have to carry this with me? This pain that won’t go away?
I wish this pain would turn to black and be gone but you know I don’t think it ever will.