Somehow

Somehow I can't recall exactly why I went into that room that night
Somehow I only remember the little things.
The smell of your joint, the darkness that seemed to suffocate me
Somehow I only seem to remember the slow crawl of fear that crept in my skin
Osmosis in action I suppose
Somehow I can't remember the feel of the bed, only the feel of your hands
The hands that lifted my Snow White princess nightgown
The hands that removed my underwear
Somehow I can only remember that.

Somehow I can only remember the sound of my breathing
The small breaths trying to sound like me sleeping
Somehow I only remember constantly opening and closing my eyes
I kept praying this was only a dream
Somehow I can't remember the rest of that visit
I can't remember what you or I did for the remainder of that week
Aquarium, shopping, special diners
Somehow I can't remember the taste of any food coming down my throat
Only the taste of it coming back up and the nausea that followed me for the rest of my girlhood
Somehow I can't remember what you look like anymore
Only your name
I can't remember the hugs and kisses you gave me
The ones you gave to a little girl with no suitable father
I can't remember if you asked me to call you dad or not
But somehow the thought of a father just makes me cringe

Somehow...you are able to sleep in peace
Somehow you are immune to your own evil
Somehow you've forgiven yourself
Or perhaps just gave your actions lovely little rationalizations
Somehow, in December it will be nine years
Somehow I've spent half my life getting over you
Somehow I will
Somehow I will