sickness

i got up… i did not want to…but I did…. Just like every other day… that’s all my life is…. a routine… one i no longer want to put up with… if everything would just stop… I would be so grateful… life… its not that important… one day its there… the next its gone… something that… fickle… cant be all its cracked up to be… its like a sickness… wanting it to be over… deep down i think… I’m all smiles on the outside… but on the inside… my true self is screaming… screaming to get out… but i keep it in… i know how everyone would react… no one would approve… but sometimes… i just want to yell… to show people… show them who I am… who I really am… how many feel like this… I have to be the only one… maybe not… I cut… deep… the pain makes me happy… I smile… the blood flowing out… that’s what keeps me alive… I breathe deep… I cut… not to kill… just to hurt… it’s a sickness… i want to stop… but i cant… the razor… the blade… it calls to me… I can hear it… when I hold it… I smile… that’s not something that happens often… I cut when I’m… mad… lonely… sad… when ever I need to… it’s a sickness…