I secretly wish

Sometimes even though I tell you to leave me alone,
I secretly wish you wouldn't.
So I'd know you still wanted me,
And would try for me.

I secretly wish you'd at least say one word,
Any word.
So I know even though
I'm not worth your love and faithfullness,
I'm worth your words.

I want to be yelled at.
Screamed at.
I want to be pushed around,
And thrown down,
So I know you care enough to want to.

And even though I say I don't care,
I can't seem to feel that way.
They just don't click.
Maybe I was wrong to give up.
Maybe I wasn't.

But I sure as hell wasn't going to
Sit around and go through more pain
Even if the end result was all I've ever wanted.

I'm just tired of wanting something
That hurts.
I'm tired of loving someone
Who can't love me.
I'm tired of missing someone
Who doesn't even realize I do.

I guess the finalization of it all is,
I can't match what I say with what I feel.
I can't make choices afraid of the pain
That rides on those choice's backs.
I can't let go of the feeling that no matter what happens,
It doesn't change the fact that I wasn't good enough
To be the only girl for you in the first place.