Reparations

i may sit here
and fool myself for days
but i think
there are other reasons
for doing it
i know that you dont have the same
feelings i do
and it doesnt matter to me
though i always dream and plan
about what it would be like to have you
for my own
but i see you and i see another
the other is a friend that i thought had abandoned you
but you seem to still respond and make it hard
for me to keep my thoughts straight around you
my thoughts turn to bliss when we talk
but they turn to shadow and gore
when i see him talking like that
he drives me insane
insatiable as we are as humans
he proves that some need things to happen
more than others
and it grates my nerves worse than youll ever know
because ill sit here and smile while i burn and drown inside
i try to let you in whenever you ask
but when i explain
you act like theres a wall
though every other time
its as though theres only air between us
i wish i could tell you the way i truly feel
ask you the question on my mind
constantly nagging for control of my thoughts
even though i dont deserve you
i am just a human
while you are something more
something angelic
yet demonic at the same time
you stare at me and i think of Hell as a first resort
i see Hell more clearly in your eyes than anywhere else
and wish that you would leave my head
for those thoughts alone
would get me incapacitated
were they available to the world
i wish i could say i hate you for it
but i cant
my heart overwhelms my mind every time i think those words
i see your face and smile in my mind again
and i fall that much more for you
i would give you the world
and dive straight to Hell just for you
if you would give me a second glance
like you give him