"A Place of Hope and No Pain"

I have been stuck in the groove that most know as prehaps semi depression. No that wouldn't be the right words. Anyway. I have a need to write and yet the words I want to say never come out right on the pages. The ink bleeds and it just becomes some jumbled mess of nothingness. I want to say I am proud of who you were when you passed. I want to say you will be missed...you are missed... you were loved. I didn't even know you. How is it possible to love someone you never got a chance to know? How can I say that I loved you? How can I say that your death hurt? I can see that it did. The ones you called brothers. It burns so deeply under their skin that it's almost like it's devouring them. Brian... he bleeds inside, don't you see it? And Matt he doesn't sing with as much energy as he did before. Everything has gone solemn. How can I say I felt pain when they are suffocating on it? Gods it hurt so badly. First my Oma... and then you. I had turned to your music for solice. I needed that steady throb of your 8o8 to keep me sane. So suddenly you were taken from me. Selfish of me... not just myself you were taken from all of us. Your extened family, the one beyond blood and close friendships. You were taken from the world.
I screamed, yelled, ranted, cryed and begged. It did nothing. My chest cramped my eyes burned and I wanted nothing more than to run out my door and scream at the sky. I did actualy. I ran out and just yelled. Angry hurt and lost it was all I could do. I am sure it was all a lot of us could do. You know... it hurts that it took your death for the bands album to make number one. "A penny for my thoughts... oh no I'll seel them for a dollar, their worth so much more after I'm a goner..." I guess it is true then. People don't realize what they have till it's gone. I know I took your tallent for granted... I didn't realize how much you really impacted my life untill it was too late. Fuck I feel stupid. I hope you can forgive my foolishness. "Funny when your dead how people start listnen."
Im sorry. I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for the fact that I can't just let it go and be happy about life again. I know thats what you would have wanted. You would have wanted me to keep playing the hell out of my drums, and writing and just being who I am best. I know that! I can feel you when I am at my kit... likeyour just extatic that I am playing your songs. I feel that you smile and laugh when I mess up and playfully curse your brilliance. You were brilliant... no matter what anyone else says.
I hope in the future I get to meet you there... in your Little Peice of Heaven. I want to hear your crazy stories and I want to tell you mine. I want to laugh and smile and joke. I want to know you like they did... I want to know them too! I want you to teach me what I am doing wrong when I just can't keep the beat to Beast and the Harlot. Most of all I want to say to your face that you have helped me live. It is because of you that I keep pushing on. It is because of you that I play, that I write. Because of you that I can look past what people think and you know just how much it ticks them off when they can't get to you. I live because of you, for you and for those that have been lost before you.
Jimmy Sullivan, my hero, my idol... you are no longer here... yet you will live on always in your music. The ink under my skin forming the word Fiction will make sue you are never lost to the effects of time. You will never be less than a memory to me and oh so many others. May your eternal rest be peaceful... though I know that... because it is you... it will be more than chaotic in that fantastic way that only you could make things. I won't cry tonight because I know you wouldn't want me to. I like the words that Brian used..." Lay away a Place for me. Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way. To live Eternaly."