The Mess That Is Me
After 5 long years
Such long agonising years
It's not hard to see
That I've finally cracked
And all this pain
Such sweet suffocating pain.
I know it's too late
That I can't take it back
My insides are rotting
My soul decaying
When I can't get my life back on track
My reality fading
As my fantasy expands
And all I really wish for
Is to be in his soft hands
But he is just a character
The actor just a man
So why my heart longs for him
I may never understand
My thoughts all jumbled
My mind wanders
And I struggle.
My grip on life is slipping
Too scared to ask for help
And I struggle.
I can't cope.
The sickness fills my stomach
When I know my dreams can't come true
But my life is now a dream
So what of my existence?
Fake?
I believe it to be worthless
I'm just another pip in a lemon
An annoyance in this bitter world
Will you throw me out
Or swallow me with distate?
When the one thing that I believed in
Something I could've held on to
And could've proudly displayed
Turns out to be false
What else is there I can do
Except board the one way train to disaster?
I cannot act.
I have no talent there
I can only lie
Lying is not a talent
It's a perfect mask
That when removed shows the truth
The ugliness beneath
My truth is never white
It's black. Black.
Like my future
There is no future in my reality
Unless the impossible becomes possible
Until then I'll shut my eyes and sink into the fog.
Such long agonising years
It's not hard to see
That I've finally cracked
And all this pain
Such sweet suffocating pain.
I know it's too late
That I can't take it back
My insides are rotting
My soul decaying
When I can't get my life back on track
My reality fading
As my fantasy expands
And all I really wish for
Is to be in his soft hands
But he is just a character
The actor just a man
So why my heart longs for him
I may never understand
My thoughts all jumbled
My mind wanders
And I struggle.
My grip on life is slipping
Too scared to ask for help
And I struggle.
I can't cope.
The sickness fills my stomach
When I know my dreams can't come true
But my life is now a dream
So what of my existence?
Fake?
I believe it to be worthless
I'm just another pip in a lemon
An annoyance in this bitter world
Will you throw me out
Or swallow me with distate?
When the one thing that I believed in
Something I could've held on to
And could've proudly displayed
Turns out to be false
What else is there I can do
Except board the one way train to disaster?
I cannot act.
I have no talent there
I can only lie
Lying is not a talent
It's a perfect mask
That when removed shows the truth
The ugliness beneath
My truth is never white
It's black. Black.
Like my future
There is no future in my reality
Unless the impossible becomes possible
Until then I'll shut my eyes and sink into the fog.
♠ ♠ ♠
A couple of notes for parts you may not understand:- It's been 5 years since I became emotionally unstable and just generally felt crummy. I would say depression but since I feel that the word is thrown around too much and I've never gone to the doctor for diagnosis, I'll leave it at emotional unstability.
- I have a "crush" on a character/actor. But not the normal teenage "OMG hes so haawtt! I want him so baddd!" In a painfully real way. And I can no longer watch him without feeling physically in pain.
- The only thing in the world that I would like to do is to act. But I'm no good. Saying that, I'm rubbish at everything, but it doesnt matter so much when it's not the one thing that could mean something in your life.
- The fog is foggy and I like lemons.