Dear Chad

Dear Chad,

I never thought I would miss you this much. I ask myself everyday why you were taken from me. I feel guilty for not talking to you as much as I should, I really wish I could go back in time. We grew up together, from babies until that damned day in early October that changed my life forever. I've lost many in the past, but...sad to say, I wasn't as close to them ever, as I was with you. You were like my brother, you were there one day and then the next you were gone. I have to admit I was so mad at you for not just taking that day off from work, you would have been able to sleep. Five minutes from work, if that, and you fell asleep. That little loss of shut eye ended your life. I look around and everything reminds me of you. I hear Collin riding his dirt bike and i want to scream. I remember being like five or six and you being on that damn thing everyday. I hated it at first, but now I wish I could go back to those days. The last time I saw you...I never would have thought that, that one run in at the gas station would be the last time I saw you. I think it over and I thank God I gave you that hug, and told you I missed you. In my mind i thought i wouldn't see you for a while and then I would see you, and get one of your big bear hugs that spun me around. I will never forget that. I write all these words, but i know for a fact that if I were to see you again I would have no words to say. I regret that I hadn't seen you in so long, that I hadn't talked to you in so long, or even thought of you for that matter. I hate myself everyday for not doing all of those things. I remember when I got the news from my mom. I was in Wal-Mart, of all places, and my mom called me, "Chad died." I knew so many Chad's, I didn't even think of you, I don't think I wanted to. She said "Chad Jacquier..." Before I knew it I was shaking and crying, poor Becca didn't know what to do. I wanted to die, I wanted to be right there with you. In a matter of seconds my wall was up and i just blocked everything out. Everything Becca said, everything Chris said. I just Repeated "Oh My God" Over and over. When we got to the car, all I wanted to do was scream, cry, or just plain die. But I ended up laughing, telling Becca stories, and then just laughing just because. I was fine to say the least. Wednesday came and I didn't want to think of seeing you in that cold dark box. I walked the corner in the hallway I've came to hate, and saw you. You looked like a doll, your eyes shut, your lips in a tight line. I wanted to see you smile so bad, I couldn't look at you, I wanted to die all over again. Seeing your face broke down all those walls. during the service I sat in the room with the slide show, pictures of you set to sad music. One quote I will never forget, "Death leaves a heartache that no one can ever heal, love leaves a memory no one can ever steal. - A tomb stone in Ireland" I will never for get that. Every time I hear a dirt bike, I'll think of you, every time I see Nicole I'll think of you. She loves you, you know. Her baby brother. Every little thing that reminds me of you will tug at my heart, but also make me remember.
Chad Ross Jacquier, Rest In Peace.

Love always,
Carrie Lynn