5:30 am

The pen is the weapon
It was the only discretion
My mind was trapped,
My body was trapped,
My soul was trapped,
And the only thing that held it together was the boy in my ninth grade class

Once I had him, I no longer needed the pen
I had something else of my own, someone else to defend
He was my life, I put him before all
Though as hard as I tried, he still managed to fall

My plan from the start was to make him feel alive
To give him a purpose, to give him what was deprived

The love
All this boy needed was love
And love was what I planned on giving him, the most love he's ever been apart of

I failed
I failed in giving him what he needed,
I failed and now felt defeated
I did not see it coming, I was not even aware
That although I am deeply in love with him, I gave him nothing but despair

It hurt
But perhaps I deserved it
Perhaps my job was wrongly did
Perhaps I deserved the tears and verbal abuse
Perhaps I deserve this internal bruise

I hurt him so it was my turn
To feel the pain he said I gave him, to feel it burn
To feel the lack of air, to feel the lack of love
5:30 am never seemed so dark

I was in shock once we hung up
My body felt numb and my mind was outdone
I could no longer think, no longer imagine
The abuse I have caused to my love, I could not even fathom

I can not get over the event
So I brought back my pen to allow me to vent
To prevent me from further pain
Of what I have caused to this love of mine, that I fear, can no longer sustain