Soul Scars.

The way it feels is like there’s this darkness that’s always in the back of your mind,
following you everywhere.
That’s your constant.
Then like a drug fix
there’s happiness,
it’s temporary and rarely the “good stuff”
rarely true joy,
just superficial,
and when it subsides you fall,
hit the ground.
After you’ve had too many hits you start holding back,
preparing yourself,
cushioning the blow.
You start clinging on to your constant,
the darkness,
you feel safe there,
it’s home.
Sure, you’re still able to laugh at jokes and stuff
but you still know you’ve always got your constant right there,
and it’s not joy.
It’s come to the point where you prefer depression over joy
because you know joy can never last.
You wonder what it’s like for other people.
And you hope that at least your friends are not like you,
you can’t stand seeing them in pain,
you wish you could take their pain on you,
but at the same time you know that everyone needs some amount of darkness,
to grow,
to appreciate the light.
You just hope that they will never come to the point you’ve come to
where the darkness is making you appreciate the darkness
and not the light.
You feel self-centred,
egocentric,
not deserving of the friends you have,
not deserving a place on this earth,
not deserving to breath.
All you do could be considered egocentric
and you hate yourself for it.
You live an egocentric life
and ending it would be equally egocentric,
if not more.
You’re trapped.
Claustrophobic.
There’s nothing you can do.
And you’re too scared anyways
so it doesn’t really matter.
Nothing does.