Try blame that on the dog!
Try blame that on the dog!
All those embarrassing noises
From the tiniest squeak
To the loudest trumpet blast
They’re all part of the human condition
Try to ignore them
Or hold them in
And you’ll turn blue or explode!
How many of us are emotionally scared
From farts
That’s right I said farts!
Be they your own or somebody else’s
Someone always gets the blame
There’s the accidental farts
The most common of all...
Yoga class in high school
Its all so very silent
Every body and every muscle is relaxed
Just alittle too relaxed
You let out the longest
Loudest fart
Now they’re sniggering and pointing
You just know you're never going to live that one down
A movie theatre
Watching the latest thriller
The air is heavy with suspense
When just before the final scene
Its suddenly heavy with something else
You try crawling under your seat
As laughter erupts around you
Lucky its dark!
You're lying in bed with a new partner
And you’ve just managed to convince him
That those strange noises he heard during sex
Were not, I repeat, NOT farts
Now as you're both just dozing off
A small one escapes
It sounds like a shot gun blast in the quiet of the room
That's the last you see of him
Then there are those that escape
When you cough or sneeze
Both ends at once - jet propelled yippee!
What about those that are wholly innocent
All those vinyl chairs and over stuffed leather sofas
‘It wasn’t me –I promise
Some farts are down right malicious
Funny to only the culprit and his mates
Notice I say HIS mates
Oh yes most little boys never out grow toilet humour
There is the partner who thinks his fart is so funny
it just has to be shared
‘Dutch oven style’
That’s the last he see’s of me!
There’s the car trips with Dad
When he suddenly winds up all the windows
And you know what you're in for
Meanest of all is the lift fart
Someone lets off a silent-but- deadly one in a crowded lift
Then turns to a innocent bystander
And yells “Arrh what did you do that for?
Couldn’t you wait for the bathroom?
Oh man that stinks, why’d you do that?”
They leave the lift chuckling
And the innocent party is left to ride the rest of the way
With the glares of his lift mates burning into his back
The worst farts of all are the ones in public toilets
The ones that come from the next cubicle
When someone is ill
The sounds could turn your hair white
Or at least turn your stomach
You can’t help but to imagine the smell
And when you remember that all smell
is made up of thousands of tiny particles
You make a dash for the door
You don’t want to be chewing on that one
You can try to pretend you don't fart
(excuse me – pass wind)
LIAR!
We all do it
Some are silent and deadly
Some sound like machine gun fire
Some people are loud and proud
And some just try to blame it on the dog
All those embarrassing noises
From the tiniest squeak
To the loudest trumpet blast
They’re all part of the human condition
Try to ignore them
Or hold them in
And you’ll turn blue or explode!
How many of us are emotionally scared
From farts
That’s right I said farts!
Be they your own or somebody else’s
Someone always gets the blame
There’s the accidental farts
The most common of all...
Yoga class in high school
Its all so very silent
Every body and every muscle is relaxed
Just alittle too relaxed
You let out the longest
Loudest fart
Now they’re sniggering and pointing
You just know you're never going to live that one down
A movie theatre
Watching the latest thriller
The air is heavy with suspense
When just before the final scene
Its suddenly heavy with something else
You try crawling under your seat
As laughter erupts around you
Lucky its dark!
You're lying in bed with a new partner
And you’ve just managed to convince him
That those strange noises he heard during sex
Were not, I repeat, NOT farts
Now as you're both just dozing off
A small one escapes
It sounds like a shot gun blast in the quiet of the room
That's the last you see of him
Then there are those that escape
When you cough or sneeze
Both ends at once - jet propelled yippee!
What about those that are wholly innocent
All those vinyl chairs and over stuffed leather sofas
‘It wasn’t me –I promise
Some farts are down right malicious
Funny to only the culprit and his mates
Notice I say HIS mates
Oh yes most little boys never out grow toilet humour
There is the partner who thinks his fart is so funny
it just has to be shared
‘Dutch oven style’
That’s the last he see’s of me!
There’s the car trips with Dad
When he suddenly winds up all the windows
And you know what you're in for
Meanest of all is the lift fart
Someone lets off a silent-but- deadly one in a crowded lift
Then turns to a innocent bystander
And yells “Arrh what did you do that for?
Couldn’t you wait for the bathroom?
Oh man that stinks, why’d you do that?”
They leave the lift chuckling
And the innocent party is left to ride the rest of the way
With the glares of his lift mates burning into his back
The worst farts of all are the ones in public toilets
The ones that come from the next cubicle
When someone is ill
The sounds could turn your hair white
Or at least turn your stomach
You can’t help but to imagine the smell
And when you remember that all smell
is made up of thousands of tiny particles
You make a dash for the door
You don’t want to be chewing on that one
You can try to pretend you don't fart
(excuse me – pass wind)
LIAR!
We all do it
Some are silent and deadly
Some sound like machine gun fire
Some people are loud and proud
And some just try to blame it on the dog