Razor Sharp Heart
Close your eyes.
Just for a moment, you’re three again
Where you were popular for your pink nail polish
And watching Sesame Street
When you wore corduroys
Ate junk
Didn’t worry about your weight
Take a deep breath
Not deep enough
Just like the cuts in your side
Never deep enough
Could you be four again?
Where pain actually hurt
And you didn’t know what an oxymoron was
Feel your heartbeat
Your little five-year-old heart
With brand new blood flowing through your capillaries
Or maybe it was stardust
Five.
Where you were just old enough to tie your shoes
But too scared to sleep in your own bed at night
Still scared of the dark
You’re eight now
Too independent for your own good
Learning that words hurt
Just as much as sticks and stones and broken bones
Just learning how to wear a mask
That showed only happiness and lies
And finally grasping that they can’t see through it
See yourself cry
That’s when the cutting started
Slice slice
Two lines Parallel to the vein running down your arm
Fourteen was too young
You should have been free a little longer
But you’ve already chained yourself
And the cuffs are razor sharp
Just try to get away
Sixteen is more bitter than sweet
By now you’ve learned that the scars don’t help
The black fingernail polish on your thumbs is chipping off
Peeling away, just like the wallpaper on your heart
You tack it back up, though
With glue and caffeine
Maybe that’s why you’re so manic all the time
But your giddiness is another mask
A way to hide how you really feel
Like the pretty pills you take
You’re really hiding from yourself
Open your eyes
You’re not three anymore
There’s no such thing as fairytales
Or happy endings
And crying really does help
You’re not four
But you still take baths.
You sit until the water turns red
Letting it drain your blood out
It’s not stardust anymore
Its alcohol and cocaine and hate
You sleep in your own bed
But you’re still scared of the dark
And the words still hurt.
Even now, you hide behind your mask
Waiting for someone to figure out your secrets
But knowing that no one will
And you’re still chained.
Tighter than before
Now all you feel is emptiness
And the cold stainless steel against your skin
But you’ve used up all your tears
You can’t get them back
Take off your nail polish
And your mask
You’re too old to play hide-and-seek
Grow up
Stop hiding from your heart
Just for a moment, you’re three again
Where you were popular for your pink nail polish
And watching Sesame Street
When you wore corduroys
Ate junk
Didn’t worry about your weight
Take a deep breath
Not deep enough
Just like the cuts in your side
Never deep enough
Could you be four again?
Where pain actually hurt
And you didn’t know what an oxymoron was
Feel your heartbeat
Your little five-year-old heart
With brand new blood flowing through your capillaries
Or maybe it was stardust
Five.
Where you were just old enough to tie your shoes
But too scared to sleep in your own bed at night
Still scared of the dark
You’re eight now
Too independent for your own good
Learning that words hurt
Just as much as sticks and stones and broken bones
Just learning how to wear a mask
That showed only happiness and lies
And finally grasping that they can’t see through it
See yourself cry
That’s when the cutting started
Slice slice
Two lines Parallel to the vein running down your arm
Fourteen was too young
You should have been free a little longer
But you’ve already chained yourself
And the cuffs are razor sharp
Just try to get away
Sixteen is more bitter than sweet
By now you’ve learned that the scars don’t help
The black fingernail polish on your thumbs is chipping off
Peeling away, just like the wallpaper on your heart
You tack it back up, though
With glue and caffeine
Maybe that’s why you’re so manic all the time
But your giddiness is another mask
A way to hide how you really feel
Like the pretty pills you take
You’re really hiding from yourself
Open your eyes
You’re not three anymore
There’s no such thing as fairytales
Or happy endings
And crying really does help
You’re not four
But you still take baths.
You sit until the water turns red
Letting it drain your blood out
It’s not stardust anymore
Its alcohol and cocaine and hate
You sleep in your own bed
But you’re still scared of the dark
And the words still hurt.
Even now, you hide behind your mask
Waiting for someone to figure out your secrets
But knowing that no one will
And you’re still chained.
Tighter than before
Now all you feel is emptiness
And the cold stainless steel against your skin
But you’ve used up all your tears
You can’t get them back
Take off your nail polish
And your mask
You’re too old to play hide-and-seek
Grow up
Stop hiding from your heart