Today

I smiled at you today
So you'd decide to stay
And think I have control over how I feel.

I cried with you today,
Acting all the way,
Crocodile tears that I never feel.

I begged for help today,
Pleaded to make it go away,
Terrified of what I never feel.

I hurt myself today,
To make myself feel pain,
To have some control over what I feel.

I pushed you all away
And his away the pain
So none of you would know that this is real.

I killed myself today,
Relishing the pain.
Now do you know that this is real?