Am I doing this for me? Or pride?

Sometimes it is hard to choose what I want.
At one point my head is telling me go, go, go.
But at the same time my heart is saying stop, stop, stop.
Nothing about this makes sense to me.
If I want something, shouldn’t I know it?
The only thing keeping me from the edge is pride.
Giving up now and letting him win, not an option.
Nothing will stop me from following through.

It might cost me my sanity.
It might cost me my emotions.

But there isn’t anything else I can do.
Giving him the one thing I could save for someone.
It doesn’t take much to talk about it.
It takes a hell of a lot to do it.
What I am questioning, why?
Usually I can tell if I am being played.
Heck, usually I am the one playing them.

Why am I so skittish when I think he is nearby?
Why does my heart beat practically out of its chest?
Why can’t I just take a few breaths and calm down?

There are many questions and no answers.
So should I risk it?
Should I risk so much for pride?

My sanity?
My emotional state?

If the answer were simple,
I would have thought of it by now.
In the end, I guess all I can do it ignore everything.
Forget everyone else’s expectations.
What I am going to do, I am doing for me.

Not my friends.
Not for popularity.
Not for him.

Me.