Revelations in and About Church

I only went for the food,
I really did no matter how rude
But then the lights dimmed
And the fun songs were over
I linked arms with him and her,
And there we stood.
It was a big fat joke
Holding my giggles back made me choke
The band was too loud,
and the singer too soft
But that changed for in a snap,
Hands came together in slow, uniformed clap
After clap
After clap
Then the clapping stopped
We were swaying,
Back and forth
And the girl beside me bowed her head
I only saw this through my thick hair
I could have sworn this was not why I was there
The woman in front was talking about God
With words and rhythm and bass
This was touching all of us,
I could tell by the look in his eyes
And I could tell by her uneven breathing
And something came over me
And my hand raised up,
Asking for forgiveness I didn't know I wanted
My lips were moving with unspoken words
And I was swaying
And the music was playing,
And my heart was even with the sound
It felt good to have some faith,
It felt good to believe I could change
We bid eachother goodbye,
Not talking about what we felt
Not talking about the changes
On the way home I prayed
And said I was sorry,
That I would change

The next day,
I got high.
Then
I got drunk,
So no matter what I felt that day,
I can never change
Because I don't really want to
The effort is so great.
I never went to church that next Wednesday
Or the one after that
Or the one after that
I like to get drunk
And I like to get high
God really doesn't want a place in my life
But I know now that he's there
And that I'm going to Hell
And that's all that matters.

And I was thinking about it today,
And I went to church
And I stood there,
And that feeling never returned.
So was it real to begin with?