Pain

I squeeze my eyes shut,
I keep telling myself,
“You’re not weak, don’t cry.”
I still cry.
I break down.
I take my razor blade,
Bring them down to the skin.
Make a fine line of blood.
I smile,
This is the only way of being happy,
To get the pain away,
I stare at your cold eyes,
They were once happy,
Full of life and love,
You grin,
A glint in your eyes,
As you take that burning hot metal,
Down my back,
Giving me ever-lasting scars.
I scream out.
I feel my skin,
Being ripped apart,
Brought back together,
And scarred.
This is how you show your love,
Through torture.
Now,
I just lay,
On the ground,
Nearly lifeless,
I’ve known pain,
This…
This is a whole new level.
I’ll lay here.
For now,
I’ll heal,
You’ll do it all over again.
Day after day,
Night after night,
My own mother,
Slowly killing me,
I stay quiet.
I won’t tell the police,
My dad,
My real family,
Just so I can still say;
“I love you dad.”
And give a true smile for once.
If I told the police,
I’d go to a foster home,
Away from my dad,
Away from my love,
Away from my horse,
I couldn’t live.
It’d be worse than it is now,
I’d be living a horrible nightmare,
That would never end.
I’ll look at my mother,
Smile fakely,
Get home,
Get abused,
Go to my dad,
And start re-living again.

I’ll stare out the window,
See the raindrops,
I wish I was a raindrop,
Small and wet,
Like my tears.
I’ll shut my eyes,
Hold the gun up high,
Point it at you,
And,
Shoot,
Blind.
I wish I could do that,
I know where your gun is,
It’d be self defense,
Nothing bad,
Nothing good either,
I’d be called a murderer,
I… think I’d be proud of myself,
Because,
I wouldn’t have to live any longer with being abused.