he sits there hurting me

He sits there hurting me over and over again
The pain is so intense
He is hurting me and not even with no care in the world
Finlay he lets me go and I run home crying
And shaking
I just don’t know how to deal with it so I go into the bathroom feeling
As if I can throw up for hours
But I look in the bathtub and turn the water on
Half way I stop the water and then….
Grab the razor and I can’t help but think of his face
I sit in the tub
Slit one
Slit two
Slit three
The blood runs down as if in a race towards the water
I think of how I’m a fucking disgrace
I just can’t stand taking in the pain
It’s breaking me down making me feel worthless
More and more slits
I let the blood run down
I’m a letdown
I just don’t understand anymore
My mom is yelling for me
And I just ignore
I just want to make everything quite
I just want everyone to be happy without me
Everything is bloody
Everything is numb
I remember the pain he put me through
Blindfolded me and threw me down
I tried to fight but I couldn’t because he beat me
With a bat
“Shut up you fucking brat.”
I wanted to just die right then
Hoping he would stop this pain
But he kept on he hit me
He beat me
He raped me I can’t look at myself for letting that happen
My mom yells my name again
“Nicole!”
I turn I can’t let her see me like that it will break her heart
I get up and wrap a bathrobe around me
“What’s wrong sweetheart?”
“Nothing.”
“Okay why didn’t you answer me when I called for you?”
“Mom I’m the bathroom why do you think?”
“Okay”
I walk out and put on a shirt as I do my mom walks by again and says
Nicole what happened to your back and neck
There where cuts and bruises
I just fell down the stairs
And it did all that?
Yes mom just let me get dressed
Okay.
So I sit in shock my plan worked
I see his face in my mind
I threw and jerked my stuff
Not knowing what to do
I sit and shake
As my mind aches
Seeing his face
The pain of what he did is becoming incased
It feels like a chase in my mind
Days go on with me alone at school at home
Everywhere
Kids are talking about me and my friends left me
Teachers began to get worried
I’m alone on the outside screaming for someone on the inside
But all I do is hide
The teacher implied I should talk to her
But I’m just not ready
I don’t know if I will ever
I want someone to help me but I just don’t know how to talk about what happened
Now I’m cautioned
Now I’m worried
Thinking about my teacher and how she wants me to talk to her
I don’t want to get hurt
I look in the mirror and I just can’t take what I see
Now I’m to alert
As to what is going on
Once again my arms turn bloody
I just want everything to be gone
I can’t take it I need to go for a walk
As I walk with fear
Trapped in my head thinking about things
I see a guy looking at me
Must be a nighthawk
Then as the light hits his face I see it is the guy who beat me
I turn around slowly hoping he will not see me
He grabbed me and I felt an awful pain
He stabbed me in my ribs
As he picks me up I scream in terror
Wishing to be heard
He ties my hands together
As I beg him to stop
Please, please just don’t hurt me
Shut the fuck up
He holds the knife up to my throat
And saws at it as I scream
He hit me in the face and then I blacked out
I wake up in a black room chained to a table
As I scream I hear laughter
I heard the footsteps of anger come towards me
My fear grows stronger
As I feel cold finger tips on my body I shake
He looks at my arms and said
Aw did you do this because of me how sweet
He grabs his knife and blindfolded me again
I sit in terror and don’t know what to do
So I let him do what he wants
It’s as if he is killing me slowly
He told me it will be okay
As he slices the knife across my neck and arm
I scream in pain
Please stop please
As if rips my shirt
I sit and shake
What feels like hours when on
Finlay I get out
I go home and I can’t take it
I hate him
As I go into the bathroom I throw up and grab my razor
I create more slits
Then I got downstairs and grab paper and a pen
I write down everyone I know and how much I love them
Then I go and get a gun
I’m scared and I just can’t go through this again
As I hold the gun to my head
I stop and think about what he did to me
Then I look at the blood run down from my arms
I load the gun
And hold the gun to my head
Then my mom walks in
Nicole what are you doing!
Mom I love you
She looks down at my arms and neck
She sees the cuts
who did this
Baby who did this to you just put the gun down and talk to me
Mom I’m scared by something I can’t erase
As I look at her
I began to cry
Holding the gun to my head
I think of his face and I pull the trigger
Finally no more pain
God please forgive me
And remember I love everyone