Who am I

I find the blade
I want the pain
the emtions hurt to badly
the only way it stops is when I see the crimson
flowing down my arm
I would comit suicide if I did not have this release
the pain has become to much
I tried so hard to go down the right road
now it is all disappearing beneath my feet
It feels like I am falling
falling into the worse of places
wanting to be worldly
wanting pain
I want to be real
I want to be different
but my life has been taking away from my will
I no longer have a say
the days are like torture
the nights are wars to stay alive
I am fighting with myself
trying not to take my own life
every now and then
happiness sneaks in
it is hard to understand
I read people like an open book
but this, this is different
I can't read myself