Indistinguishable

A numbness that is hard to distinguish
As regret or freedom or healing or anguish
And won’t be defined until I’ve done wrong
And by then I’ll have found what I truly want
I’ll go back to the one who is waiting for me
Despite all the mess and the hurt and the pain
And I’ll use them again and again it would seem
Unless I do my wrong now or admit what it is
And the one that waits, will have waited in vain
Because they’ll never feel the same way again
For I will have told the inevitable
And tore out their heart and thrown it to the world
And all of the things that were keeping us in
Are being ripped apart by invisible things
Longing is more than loving can be
And longing took everything love gave to me
And I long for the one that I really do love
But the chance that I had I ruined with lust
And lust is everything youth would want
And lust can kill and hunt and taunt
And lust can seem like the innocent one
Until you want what you’ve lost
And you’ve lost all you want
And I’d like to distinguish the numbness
As something at least
So I could determine a course
And follow it
But love is a game
And my head is a mess
And lust is the name
Of my mind’s sorceress