there's never much to say

mary's wide eyes are an icy blue like wind that chills to the bone, but they are shallow and beneath lies warmth that spark the nostalgia of hot chocolate in the winter and sunshine on the beach. she is hard to read but easy to trust and i always imagined she’d be a good mom.

she was with child last i saw her, close to term and demanding in a passive-aggressive surge of hormones, her husband making pickle runs at her every whim. mary in my memory is tanned and warm, a soft voice and a renaissance heart. she is thin hands and white scarves and crystallized breath in the hockey rink, a styrofoam cup bitten around the edges and crumpled in by young children’s blunt teeth. i was five years younger then with starry eyes and untouched by the pivotal moment of before and after, when lies weren’t transparent and when ignorance really was bliss.

today i walk to school, across town with the wind in my face and too many layers of bulky clothing that don’t help much; not as a product of environmental awareness, but rather a moody car. cheeks stinging and fingers numb at the halfway point, i accept mary's offer with the heavy anchor of gratitude, hot air burning my face as i jump into the passenger side. mary is a mother of two now and that mother’s kindness i knew in her is at full-tilt as she worries about my lack of insulating headgear while introducing me to her boys, who are cozy and unconcerned in the backseat.

my professor is lecturing about empirical data and exploring theoretical definitions but my mind is on mary and wandering to the past, of her victimization and the objectification she unknowingly endured by a friend who now works for her husband. mary has occupied my mind since she stood in our backyard in shorts with a maternity waistline and flip-flops that slapped against her heels as she walked. i hold a secret of tainted admiration that can destroy, and it sat on the tip of my tongue today, poisonous and burning, as mary extended her maternal kindness in my direction.

i kept quiet instead and i think she considered me standoffish, but her wide eyes are too wonderful to destroy. such truth is not mine to offer and holding it requires keeping mary out of my life, but she is another person i miss.