Swirling Contradiction

I cannot feel
I cannot cry
I cannot live
I cannot die
I cannot be
I cannot stay
I cannot remain
I cannot go away
Save me now
From horrendous chills
I get shivers
From the vibrating trills
Death will not come
Life will not stay
I cannot think
I prefer it this way
I cannot reveal
I cannot preserve
I cannot be me
I do not deserve
I cannot remember
I cannot forget
The memory of
When Death and I met
I cannot delay
I cannot hurry
I cannot be calm
I cannot worry
I'm a swirling contradiction
A Heaven and a Hell
The Light and Dark
The black and white
That everybody sees in
But I have found a middle ground
A slightly depressing gray
I cannot be black
I cannot be white
I can only be both