I can never catch a break, can I?

As I sit here, in the back of the library, I begin to think.

Think of everything that’s happened to me within the past week or so
.
I’ve lost friends, lost people’s trust and just plain wanted to give up.

Maybe the only thing that’s still keeping me somewhat sane is my boyfriend and all the friends that have still stuck by me.

I hate knowing that I’m so mentally screwed.

I can’t really talk to anyone about it because the school counsellor isn’t here and if I try telling it to anyone else, chances are they won’t understand or won’t care.

So this is how I take it all out before I explode. Again.

I still don’t understand why even after having a great day I just want to break down and cry.
It’s never been like this before.

I feel like the depression and the anorexia are going to win again even after so many months of being ok.

I haven’t felt the need to cut in 6 months so why do I feel the urge now?

Is it because I’m on the urge of breaking down?

Or is it because I now know I’ve turned into the person I never wanted to be.

Ditching classes, smoking, lying, hanging out with the wrong crowd, I never wanted to be like that.

All I really want to do is just have someone tell me that everything’s going to be fine and everything’s going to be ok.

I still try to have hope for something I know isn’t coming, even after 3 years.

I guess I really am screwed up.

I don’t do this for attention, I never have and never will, I just do it so I can look back on all of this in the future and say I got out of it and so people can see that it does get better.

I wonder how long that will take.

I just want to find someone who cares.

Till then, I’ll just isolate myself again.