My Days - A Testimony

I hurry into position
I stand straight, tall and proud
Yet I work like a slave to clean this place
This kitchen
This hell
This plague on my life

Every inch
No!-- centimeter
Must be inspected
Must be wiped
Scrubbed
Washed
Cleaned
Swept
Dusted
Sprayed
Anything to make sure it is clean

I wish to be defiant
To give you what others give their parents
Show you your world is false
But no
I am kind and forgiving
Where you fail
I perfect my humanity

I am not like you
Thank God

To help my resolution you rage in
You enter the room
And as always
You find something wrong

And here goes nothing and everything:
I cringe in anxiety when your voice soars
I freeze in fear when I feel you coming near
Then I prepare myself
I am ready for the onslaught of nasty words
The one sided battle of words
My brother advised me to hold my breath
Bite my tongue
And count to ten

My wonderful brother
He who shared his amazing youth with me
He who taught me all the tricks
He who left
A duty calling
And to Afghanistan he went
But still the one who brought me this far
And my belief in him
Is greater than my desire
To be a teenager

So I stand in silence
I drop all expression
This only angers you more
To not see a reaction
But if I move you will yell more
Scream for me to get out of your way
I know from the past
I learn from mistakes
Yet when I stay still and attentive
You turn that wrong as well
You grab my arms
My arms that bruise so easily
With your hands
Your fists that are so strong
And you shake me
Fight The Pain
I must hold it together now
Or you'll get a reaction
And my blankness still enrages you further

Now you raise your voice
Impossibly louder

Others of our family are in the doorways
Hanging back
Silent with respect and fear
Fear of you and
Fear for me

They have felt this pain before
They know what I am feeling
But they don't really
Because they don't know why
Why you yell at me louder and
Why you find fault in me more often
And I do
Yes
I do

And even now when you let me go
And still I stand motionless
The crack that sounds
Is not a surprise
I've known it was coming
For how long I cannot say
But I have known
Yes
I have

My face stings
But more with tears
Than with pain
I can't cry
Not until you've left
Not until I am alone

I know you've broken my expressive wall
And my face contorts with anger
But you have a new idea
You lower your voice

A command is issued
And I am sent to find
A suitable belt for beating
Me

I find one
And I bring it to you
Loyal
Like a beaten dog

I hand you the leather strip
And what happens?
You spit in my face
"The braided one stupid!"
And then you promise
"You'll have three more for that"

.
.
.
.
.
.

Once the braided belt is found
You fold it over
And grasp firmly with your strong hand

"Hands on the counter"
And I put both hands on the counter
Obedient
Like a beaten slave

A sound escapes my throat
"Mommy, please"
You ignore me
Always

I wish I had some jeans on
But instead
My backside is covered only
With PJ bottoms for summer

I cringe again
And again
And again
For every lash
Again
Again. . .

I stay there
Waiting

A tear falls into the sink
And the family has scattered
And you are gone

I stumble to a bathroom
Sit tenderly on a closed toilet
And weep

Finally I hear you yelling

I wish I could disappear
Then Daddy is in the doorway
"She wants you to finish cleaning"
I look up at him
Silence

I stand
He wraps his arm around me
"I love you"

I cannot speak
But I love him back

He has raised me since I was far too young
I am the one who named him as my dad
He is only a step-dad
But he is more than biology can make
My father is gone
My mom got away
He was a horrid person
And she hates him
With reason too
But because of him
She hates me too
Without reason
Or at least a good one

So I go through this episode
Too often to say
And more often than necessary

I've tried to learn
But you can't win
By playing nice
And nice is my game
My plan
My future
My Hope
My Dream

So I don't turn this experience
Into my own child's life

IF YOU STEAL I WILL BE SINCERELY TICKED I OWN EVERYTHING

ALSO, IF YOU STEAL I WILL KNOW TRUST ME ON THAT ONE AND DON'T TEST ME.

<3Thank you for reading<3