Innocence I Lack

Memories chase me
down never-ending halls,
broken glass in my feet
As I run,
Shattered mirrors on the walls.
I turn to look at myself
only to see a broken face,
soon to realize where I was --
that studio I dreamt of
as a child,
where I longed to dance ballet.

This, you see
is what breaks my heart the most;
looking back on when I had
my innocence,
the precious thing every child deserves,
the thing I lost far too young.

It started at the age of twelve,
back in sixth grade I was far too dumb,
allowing myself to be controlled
by a being from afar,
mom tried to stop it,
dad was who allowed it,
far too late, I'd ensconced myself in bed,
never to see the sun.

I spoke words of the devil,
slashed my body and wept,
it was in seventh grade
when it got better and then
worse,
I bent and bent, until finally
it went.

Oh, what a dramatic year,
something anyone would expect,
but for me it was something different,
I found out I like the same sex.
I fell so hard for a girl,
pushed away a boy who tried too far,
I had my first kiss,
and made her my world,
but fate broke us too far apart.
Our bodies mended, melted together as one,
but we were two separate people,
that's what hurt that year the most,
I hated God for it, my heart filled with evil.

The summer after,
I became a whore.
Would have lived on the corner
if it meant I'd get attention.
I wanted love,
so I discovered what sometimes
I love most --
poetry.
But that didn't heal who I was
as a person,
still such a foolish whore,
but so bright I appeared,
might I mention.

Eighth grade arrived,
still so young,
felt so old,
fell in love with a boy named
Alex,
beyond any love I'd ever imagined,
we went too far,
he pushed and pushed for more,
my body so violated,
so stolen,
so afraid,
so naive,
so ready to give him all I had left;
he stole all my firsts except that kiss,
and we got so close to sex.
I'd imagined what it would be like
to give it to him, how glorious it
would be, right?
No, after eleven months he ended it
and broke my heart.
"It would have hurt ten times more" my mom says,
but mom it hurts just as bad.
I wish I could tell you,
but I don't feel like a virgin,
I am so ashamed.
I still feel so stripped of my dignity,
that's why after four months I'm still
so sad.

So suddenly I'm back,
still looking in the mirror,
tears fall and I laugh,
reality hurts, but so suddenly
it's so much clearer.

I'm a freshman now,
still running from the hurt.
I'm a foolish girl,
every step still hurts.
This shattered glass
represents my shattered hopes.
My ass is grass,
facing troubles I just can't cope.

Look at me,
so ugly,
the innocence I lack,
so weak now,
so longing,
the burdens on my back.

Now my sister's making
the same mistakes,
and it makes me so angry.
Please little sister,
don't do this to yourself,
it will lead you to insanity. 

I didn't have a chance to grow up,
I have to be like an adult,
and I wish I could 
relive, forgive, forget...
but as much as I'd kill for it,
my innocence
I'll never get back.