Thoroughly Wilted
I’ve taken these lungs
and stitched them closed
for fear that I’ll say
what nobody knows
{Secrets are mine
secrets are kept
But if I leave behind
my ‘I’m fine’ façade
They’ll see, They can see
that my soul has wept}
Maybe my eyes have
been too swollen to see
But I look still for
treasures long stolen
{Have I given too much
Have I loved too much
The pain must come and turn my skin tough
But all day the choir preaches that life is rough}
I’m tuned to the woes
of sobs sung
What nobody knows
oh, the cycle’s begun
{It happens, it happens
And I’m left to bleed
for the mistakes I’ve made
and the demons I feed}
I leave them my tracks
to someday follow
Find me entombed with tacks
and in my own venom I wallow
{Its started again, It’s started again
in my nightmares I cannot defend
The bruises that show
oh, what nobody knows
is that maybe
I’m not worth it}
They’re doing just fine
while I lag behind
You see, You see
You don’t need me
{So I’ll fade, I’ll fade
I’ll be remade
anew with first grade
wounds
The doctors, they say
“Broken and broken
and left to decay”}
Like a worm in
the earth
or maggots in skin
I find the tortured
and mirthless and
burrow in
{But soon they heal
soon they feel
My claws unrightfully
purged in their flesh
They flick me away
They kick me away
to be replaced by
something fresh}
So I’ll fade,
I’ll be remade
Before they can hurt me so
Oh, but the things nobody knows
is that I just want
someone to care
Someone to maybe stare
when my smiles cracked
{To wonder why
I wish to sin
To wonder why
I want to die
on some days when the sun shines}
I’m too vulnerable,
if you could see
my heart beat in my chest
You’d see lashes
and gashes
From love clashes
That I cannot
forgive
{Its one of those things
where one person pays
for what another did
Its one of those things
not long forgotten
when one stands
alone in the crowd
Searching, still searching
for a spot on the body
that isn’t so
horrible hurting}
It’s what you’ll realize
if you saw me cry
That you should dump
and leave before I
die, Before I
yowl, howl my guilt
my regrets I’ve
bled and bleed
until the end
of days
{Oh, the thing nobody knows
is that I don’t trust
myself
I change too much
I hide my ‘stuff’
the things that make
me depressed
And all that’s repressed
is what should be addressed
Yet I’m too scared to share
so let the monsters
collect under my bed
while the gruesome memories
fester in my head}
Its not their fault
how I twist and turn
How my mind works
and burns
{From repression to digestion
of soil and bone
I turn my eyes away
because in the end, I’ll always
be alone}
No one can see me
No one can know me
No one can ever love
~this monster I am
these things I defend
and the lies I have
yet to swallow~
{You think I don’t know
when skin turns to snow
I can see the lies
in your eyes
Oh, the things nobody knows
so many to tell
I’d rather go to hell
than reveal how
sick I am}
They lie to me, you lie to me
about caring how I feel
And I turn away, I shy away
as their souls I silently steal
{Because I’m soulless, I’m hollow
take my eyes to see
what I’ve seen
and done}
It’s hopeless, can you tell
That the pieces of me I sell
are to live another moment
without redemption and atonement
for the holes
I’ve created in the skull
and I lose control
as the death angels lull
this beast that I am
to kill
{The monster rests
until it gets the best
of its prison and
it’s guards
So, I rebel
Before they tear
me limb from limb}
I’ll fade, I’ll fade
I’ll be remade
before they kill
me
or I kill
them
These are some of the
no body knows
about the beast
under this mask
{These are the reasons
These are the faults
that change the seasons
and lock vaults}
Why I’m detached
Why I’m mixed matched
when it comes to
emotional discord
***
***
I know the stories told
behind my back
of who I am
of what I am
They say
“Child you’re
too young to worry
You’re too young to care”
But do they listen
when I say
“I cut myself
I’ve cut myself
I’ve thought of worse
of suicide
and homicide
I grow my own
pity gardens
and I kill the roses
~
My friends are
few and none
Could they stand
to look me in the eye
if I explained to them
that I’ve hurt people
I’ve broken their bones
just as I wish
to break my own
That my dreams aren’t
too solid
because I’m too afraid
of myself
to think I’ll be any better
than a thug in jail
for things much worse
than theft?”
And the thoughts still spin
in my head, Relentless
to turn me over
to turn me into a real
villain
When I believe thinking
of hurting someone
is worth a life of guilt
Or was I simply born
sorry
Simply born a
savage
With finger frostbit
With anger readily lit?
Do these questions
get answers
when I stand in the halls
watching these people
scurry about their lives
Am I over thinking
when I think
that my short life
has already been
done wrong?
Boil me alive
Skin me alive
I smile as the flood
continues inside my
soul
Waiting to burst apart
and the pen use to cure
this curse
but now I’ve gone too far
and nothing fixes
my fixes
***
***
The things inside, swimming about
They freeze, they thaw, they leak out
My insanity cures, my painful games
this disguise I’m in is always the same
***
***
These threads sewn through my lies
quilted together into shame
I wear my costume to my grave
everyday, as the game is played
I die another thousand deaths
Hanging on the words of a few
begging them to see the hurricane
inside my skin and say
you are loved
just live your life
because you matter
They’ve told me, why can’t I believe
why can’t I believe?
They’ve told me and I deny
I’m too shattered
a million pieces to be mended
who has the time
to fix something ugly
***
***
So many have left me
now all I see
is hair I don’t like
is skin I don’t like
are eyes I don’t like
How many times
have I considered
throwing myself in front of a bus
of setting myself on fire
of drowning myself at dawn?
I cut this hair
I hide this skin
I close these eyes
and so the demons
they never return
understanding I have been
thoroughly wilted
***
***
and stitched them closed
for fear that I’ll say
what nobody knows
{Secrets are mine
secrets are kept
But if I leave behind
my ‘I’m fine’ façade
They’ll see, They can see
that my soul has wept}
Maybe my eyes have
been too swollen to see
But I look still for
treasures long stolen
{Have I given too much
Have I loved too much
The pain must come and turn my skin tough
But all day the choir preaches that life is rough}
I’m tuned to the woes
of sobs sung
What nobody knows
oh, the cycle’s begun
{It happens, it happens
And I’m left to bleed
for the mistakes I’ve made
and the demons I feed}
I leave them my tracks
to someday follow
Find me entombed with tacks
and in my own venom I wallow
{Its started again, It’s started again
in my nightmares I cannot defend
The bruises that show
oh, what nobody knows
is that maybe
I’m not worth it}
They’re doing just fine
while I lag behind
You see, You see
You don’t need me
{So I’ll fade, I’ll fade
I’ll be remade
anew with first grade
wounds
The doctors, they say
“Broken and broken
and left to decay”}
Like a worm in
the earth
or maggots in skin
I find the tortured
and mirthless and
burrow in
{But soon they heal
soon they feel
My claws unrightfully
purged in their flesh
They flick me away
They kick me away
to be replaced by
something fresh}
So I’ll fade,
I’ll be remade
Before they can hurt me so
Oh, but the things nobody knows
is that I just want
someone to care
Someone to maybe stare
when my smiles cracked
{To wonder why
I wish to sin
To wonder why
I want to die
on some days when the sun shines}
I’m too vulnerable,
if you could see
my heart beat in my chest
You’d see lashes
and gashes
From love clashes
That I cannot
forgive
{Its one of those things
where one person pays
for what another did
Its one of those things
not long forgotten
when one stands
alone in the crowd
Searching, still searching
for a spot on the body
that isn’t so
horrible hurting}
It’s what you’ll realize
if you saw me cry
That you should dump
and leave before I
die, Before I
yowl, howl my guilt
my regrets I’ve
bled and bleed
until the end
of days
{Oh, the thing nobody knows
is that I don’t trust
myself
I change too much
I hide my ‘stuff’
the things that make
me depressed
And all that’s repressed
is what should be addressed
Yet I’m too scared to share
so let the monsters
collect under my bed
while the gruesome memories
fester in my head}
Its not their fault
how I twist and turn
How my mind works
and burns
{From repression to digestion
of soil and bone
I turn my eyes away
because in the end, I’ll always
be alone}
No one can see me
No one can know me
No one can ever love
~this monster I am
these things I defend
and the lies I have
yet to swallow~
{You think I don’t know
when skin turns to snow
I can see the lies
in your eyes
Oh, the things nobody knows
so many to tell
I’d rather go to hell
than reveal how
sick I am}
They lie to me, you lie to me
about caring how I feel
And I turn away, I shy away
as their souls I silently steal
{Because I’m soulless, I’m hollow
take my eyes to see
what I’ve seen
and done}
It’s hopeless, can you tell
That the pieces of me I sell
are to live another moment
without redemption and atonement
for the holes
I’ve created in the skull
and I lose control
as the death angels lull
this beast that I am
to kill
{The monster rests
until it gets the best
of its prison and
it’s guards
So, I rebel
Before they tear
me limb from limb}
I’ll fade, I’ll fade
I’ll be remade
before they kill
me
or I kill
them
These are some of the
no body knows
about the beast
under this mask
{These are the reasons
These are the faults
that change the seasons
and lock vaults}
Why I’m detached
Why I’m mixed matched
when it comes to
emotional discord
***
***
I know the stories told
behind my back
of who I am
of what I am
They say
“Child you’re
too young to worry
You’re too young to care”
But do they listen
when I say
“I cut myself
I’ve cut myself
I’ve thought of worse
of suicide
and homicide
I grow my own
pity gardens
and I kill the roses
~
My friends are
few and none
Could they stand
to look me in the eye
if I explained to them
that I’ve hurt people
I’ve broken their bones
just as I wish
to break my own
That my dreams aren’t
too solid
because I’m too afraid
of myself
to think I’ll be any better
than a thug in jail
for things much worse
than theft?”
And the thoughts still spin
in my head, Relentless
to turn me over
to turn me into a real
villain
When I believe thinking
of hurting someone
is worth a life of guilt
Or was I simply born
sorry
Simply born a
savage
With finger frostbit
With anger readily lit?
Do these questions
get answers
when I stand in the halls
watching these people
scurry about their lives
Am I over thinking
when I think
that my short life
has already been
done wrong?
Boil me alive
Skin me alive
I smile as the flood
continues inside my
soul
Waiting to burst apart
and the pen use to cure
this curse
but now I’ve gone too far
and nothing fixes
my fixes
***
***
The things inside, swimming about
They freeze, they thaw, they leak out
My insanity cures, my painful games
this disguise I’m in is always the same
***
***
These threads sewn through my lies
quilted together into shame
I wear my costume to my grave
everyday, as the game is played
I die another thousand deaths
Hanging on the words of a few
begging them to see the hurricane
inside my skin and say
you are loved
just live your life
because you matter
They’ve told me, why can’t I believe
why can’t I believe?
They’ve told me and I deny
I’m too shattered
a million pieces to be mended
who has the time
to fix something ugly
***
***
So many have left me
now all I see
is hair I don’t like
is skin I don’t like
are eyes I don’t like
How many times
have I considered
throwing myself in front of a bus
of setting myself on fire
of drowning myself at dawn?
I cut this hair
I hide this skin
I close these eyes
and so the demons
they never return
understanding I have been
thoroughly wilted
***
***