Corrupted & Rotting
i. at the time
I remember his hands &
how he whispered "I love you"
but I don't remember his "I'm sorry"
& I remember how it took me a while to realise
I have strength somewhere but by the
time I pushed him away –
it was too late.
I remember his arms like robots,
keeping me in place & how I wanted to
scream but it didn't cross
my mind until afterwards.
I remember thinking not there,
please not there, oh god no don't –
& a blur of terrified thoughts just
running & running together.
I know I asked him to stop
but he didn't until it was far
too late &
I kept feeling his hands down there
& up there & all there
& my skin crawled with what felt
like ants
or maybe fingers.
.
ii. after
I'd turned from a child messing with
an adult world, to a damaged someone who
cried when no one could hear.
But I buried the memory in a place
under blood & counting how
long it's been since I
ate something &
other bad memories that aren't as bad as this one.
I spent months in his company,
numbed; I thought I'd just forgiven him
but really I was denying it ever happened,
blaming it on me,
whatever it took to make the
fear go away.
But all I became was numb
& irritable & we hurt each other –
but he still hurt me more;
I just want to thank him for
only doing it once.
.
iii. now
Now it's come back,
like it always does, haunting
me at night & making me want
blood more & more & more.
It makes me shrink with fear,
& every room with us in it
closes around me like a corset
tightening around my chest
& I can't breathe & I'm so scared &
oh god, how could no one know?
I'm left with questions of why, how, no & a
broken friendship that used to be built
on self-deceit & pushing away words that
tumbled on the tip of my tongue.
Now, every night I lie in my bed, trying
desperately to sleep – I see his face & I feel
his hands on me & I cry.
I want to tell someone of how I am damaged
goods, broken somewhere no one can fix…
But how do you say those words?
They hurt too much.
So I spend every day trying not to
shudder as he slowly breaks down in remorse
& others try to help him…& I just
keep thinking selfish thoughts
like:
What about me? Why do
they try to help him and not me?
Can't they see me shaking in his presence?
I miss my innocence &
I know he won't ever do it to
anyone else because he's changed but
I'm so scared & it hurts so much;
Why didn't anyone protect me?
.
iv. and later
I know
I will still cringe when a man
who is bigger & stronger than me
walks past & I'll wonder
Would you ever hurt someone
like that?
& my whole life will be affected
by such terrified thoughts &
I don't know whether I'll
ever trust anyone so fully again.
& I don't know if I'll ever tell anyone
the full truth of what happened or
if I'll ever let anyone touch me again
or whether or not I'll even
fall in love again.
My future is hanging on the blade
of a razor
& it trembles every time I wrap
a belt around my neck,
just to see how it looks.
I want to whisper my secret into
the ear of someone
but I can't do that to him because
he is already so full of self-hatred
& disgust & regret;
& I can't do that to me because
what if they don't love me anymore?
I remember his hands &
how he whispered "I love you"
but I don't remember his "I'm sorry"
& I remember how it took me a while to realise
I have strength somewhere but by the
time I pushed him away –
it was too late.
I remember his arms like robots,
keeping me in place & how I wanted to
scream but it didn't cross
my mind until afterwards.
I remember thinking not there,
please not there, oh god no don't –
& a blur of terrified thoughts just
running & running together.
I know I asked him to stop
but he didn't until it was far
too late &
I kept feeling his hands down there
& up there & all there
& my skin crawled with what felt
like ants
or maybe fingers.
.
ii. after
I'd turned from a child messing with
an adult world, to a damaged someone who
cried when no one could hear.
But I buried the memory in a place
under blood & counting how
long it's been since I
ate something &
other bad memories that aren't as bad as this one.
I spent months in his company,
numbed; I thought I'd just forgiven him
but really I was denying it ever happened,
blaming it on me,
whatever it took to make the
fear go away.
But all I became was numb
& irritable & we hurt each other –
but he still hurt me more;
I just want to thank him for
only doing it once.
.
iii. now
Now it's come back,
like it always does, haunting
me at night & making me want
blood more & more & more.
It makes me shrink with fear,
& every room with us in it
closes around me like a corset
tightening around my chest
& I can't breathe & I'm so scared &
oh god, how could no one know?
I'm left with questions of why, how, no & a
broken friendship that used to be built
on self-deceit & pushing away words that
tumbled on the tip of my tongue.
Now, every night I lie in my bed, trying
desperately to sleep – I see his face & I feel
his hands on me & I cry.
I want to tell someone of how I am damaged
goods, broken somewhere no one can fix…
But how do you say those words?
They hurt too much.
So I spend every day trying not to
shudder as he slowly breaks down in remorse
& others try to help him…& I just
keep thinking selfish thoughts
like:
What about me? Why do
they try to help him and not me?
Can't they see me shaking in his presence?
I miss my innocence &
I know he won't ever do it to
anyone else because he's changed but
I'm so scared & it hurts so much;
Why didn't anyone protect me?
.
iv. and later
I know
I will still cringe when a man
who is bigger & stronger than me
walks past & I'll wonder
Would you ever hurt someone
like that?
& my whole life will be affected
by such terrified thoughts &
I don't know whether I'll
ever trust anyone so fully again.
& I don't know if I'll ever tell anyone
the full truth of what happened or
if I'll ever let anyone touch me again
or whether or not I'll even
fall in love again.
My future is hanging on the blade
of a razor
& it trembles every time I wrap
a belt around my neck,
just to see how it looks.
I want to whisper my secret into
the ear of someone
but I can't do that to him because
he is already so full of self-hatred
& disgust & regret;
& I can't do that to me because
what if they don't love me anymore?