I love him.
Nobody knows what true love is. I am nobody, therefore I know.
When I decided to give him a chance, as in ignore what everyone has to say and follow my heart, I had no idea of where I was heading but that didn’t stop me. I wanted something more mature, something deep but could it be too deep? And how deep is too deep?
I knew it wasn’t love. But, what could have been so powerful that sweet talk wasn’t even needed for me to give to him what I’ve been preserving for more than 18 years? I wouldn’t know, I couldn’t see it and believe it or not, I’m still blind. What I do know is that I didn’t give it to him on purpose whether what I feel is regret or shame, Friday, September 30th, 2011... I will always remember. I never thought it was possible to feel too much, I was raised knowing that too much good can only be better... but I was wrong. I fear rejection yet every time he walks away, I want him more. I’ve never felt like this before. I know what they think of him, everything he should be ashamed of, I know. Yet, it doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t change the way I feel, this guy is the reason why I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming because I’m scared... Scared of losing him in my dream too. Insane right? I know and I assume. It’s like pregnancy, sometimes, I don’t feel anything at all, but every time the baby hits me, every time I see him, I just can’t control myself, I just can’t help thinking of how much he needs me. Nothing to do with his girls, money isn't happiness. They don't know that, they see him has a priceless number, I see "us" as a priceless change. If only I could tell him, tell him how I feel, how much love I can give him... if only he’d let me take care of him. I sometimes can’t stop my tears from competing with the ocean, but what good are my tears if they won’t bring back what was never there? I’ve thought about him yesterday, today he’s on my mind.. Will I be smiling tomorrow? I never meant to let it get so personal. I fear my soul for I do not know where it’s heading. I fear myself, because I ignore my limits. In the next hour we can all go and I’m afraid only my feelings will stay. Why are they controlling me? I’m tired of being scared, if only he could read my mind. If only he knew... If only he knew that I love him.
When I decided to give him a chance, as in ignore what everyone has to say and follow my heart, I had no idea of where I was heading but that didn’t stop me. I wanted something more mature, something deep but could it be too deep? And how deep is too deep?
I knew it wasn’t love. But, what could have been so powerful that sweet talk wasn’t even needed for me to give to him what I’ve been preserving for more than 18 years? I wouldn’t know, I couldn’t see it and believe it or not, I’m still blind. What I do know is that I didn’t give it to him on purpose whether what I feel is regret or shame, Friday, September 30th, 2011... I will always remember. I never thought it was possible to feel too much, I was raised knowing that too much good can only be better... but I was wrong. I fear rejection yet every time he walks away, I want him more. I’ve never felt like this before. I know what they think of him, everything he should be ashamed of, I know. Yet, it doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t change the way I feel, this guy is the reason why I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming because I’m scared... Scared of losing him in my dream too. Insane right? I know and I assume. It’s like pregnancy, sometimes, I don’t feel anything at all, but every time the baby hits me, every time I see him, I just can’t control myself, I just can’t help thinking of how much he needs me. Nothing to do with his girls, money isn't happiness. They don't know that, they see him has a priceless number, I see "us" as a priceless change. If only I could tell him, tell him how I feel, how much love I can give him... if only he’d let me take care of him. I sometimes can’t stop my tears from competing with the ocean, but what good are my tears if they won’t bring back what was never there? I’ve thought about him yesterday, today he’s on my mind.. Will I be smiling tomorrow? I never meant to let it get so personal. I fear my soul for I do not know where it’s heading. I fear myself, because I ignore my limits. In the next hour we can all go and I’m afraid only my feelings will stay. Why are they controlling me? I’m tired of being scared, if only he could read my mind. If only he knew... If only he knew that I love him.