Five-Dollar Jellybean

I woke up on the wrong side of the pool
Had to comb my teeth with dish soap
So I didn't miss the carrier pigeon
And have to teleport to school.

I set my alarm so I'd get home on time
And locked all of the bathrooms
Before slipping some gloves on my feet
And Photoshopping an outfit onto an old picture of me.

The pigeon took the scenic route
And stopped at Cumby's to get gas and toilet paper
While I combed her wings with cartwheels
And used her quills to finish Calculus.

I gave her a 5-dollar jellybean
When she dropped me on the roof
And I decided to use the windows for once
Instead of power drilling through the ceiling.

I played show tunes on my calculator
During the Calculus Hair Braiding Race
To help me focus on integrating vegetables
Because my grade point median is low enough without another Coffee Mug.

Four-thirds of the way through the race
I was sent to the Assistant Principals Foyer
Because my shampoo bottle started ringing
And I accidentally lawnmowered my teacher's wig trying to answer it.

They made me call my tenth-cousin-twice-removed
To tell her that Thanksgiving dinner would be in May this year
And that Alaska is bigger than Texas despite popular belief
Before they forced me to teleport home.