Intimately Stained

it is
bile in my throat ants on my skin
thinking my skin is caked with dirt with germs with filth

and a sore throat from screaming, raspy dry voice stuck there now
and memories played over and over and over and over

it is
clenched fists pounding into my thighs
screaming why why why how could this happen is there
no god in this world?

and it is broken trust held in my fingers,
fine as dust and sharp like broken glass and I scatter
it from my hand, begging it to run run run

it is
broken hearts but that is a meaningless phrase now,
something crawling up my back, wailing
warnings before it finally stabs me in the heart,
lets me bleed away

and screaming into my pillow, screaming no no no
don't do it why did you do it?

it is
going home and scrubbing every inch of my skin once
twice three times, emerging red raw and still
dirty dirty dirty

and knowing I am damaged goods, impure,
a soul that has been chewed and spat out and slowly rotted away

it is
no longer knowing the meaning of the word no
and shuddering when I'm next to a man a guy a boy,
unable to trust even a brother

and tossing and turning at night, waking up
with sleep-encrusted eyes because I cried too much.

it is
stepping away when you come too close,
shivering with fear the fear that will never ever
go away no matter how much time passes

and the feeling of my chest ripping apart even now
as I remember how there's nowhere you haven't
touched on me now, I'm all
yours, always yours

it has
affected every aspect of my life and I hope
to god no one I love will ever understand