I am Desperately Hopeful

i am hopeless-

ly in love with the simplest things.
stuck in the bleeding time
we call life, i am

dancing, twirling, smiling
at the way a butterfly flew past.

but i start crying when i see
the scars on your wrist,
see the pain in your eyes and i
want to heal you but i can't
i can't i can't.

i am hopeless-

ly stuck in memories i won't
spill to you because you're already
living through pain after pain after pain

and so am i, but my cracks
are stitching back together, lacing

up like a corset, squeezing the life out of me.

i am hopeless-

ly tear-filled, coffee-stained
and lifelike, ready for another day of
pretending i don't know what
you're feeling what you're doing
what you're really like inside.

i can see you slowly falling apart even
as you smile so heartbreakingly.

pain is a selfish thing and i've
only lived with it for three god-awful
years, thinking

about myself about my scars
about my memories hiding in the
corners of my mind.

i am hopeless-

ly stuck in a bubble of calm, watching
from the inside as others break

down in pain and create their own
scars, not thinking about the future
when they might just regret it

as their families and friends sob.

i wish i could tell them what it's like
to watch your father cry because he saw
the words of your self-harm written
in blue ink.

but you can't
hear me.

i am hopeless-

ly able to smile now, the stitches
still aching but my wounds closed together.

but it doesn't even matter
because i can see so much but i
don't know how to heal someone else.

all i know how to do is watch
and hope from the inside, locked
in a room of windows.

did i tell you i was claustrophobic?

i am hopeless

but hoping, even as you hurt
me without realising it.