Selfish
Three teenagers all shut off from society
One with a deadly addiction, to cutting, and a longing for death
Another has severe OCD and Self-destructive depression Both rip
Her apart at the seams
The last with a deadly secret that has left him jumping from one Juvenile detention to the next
For the past three years.
All wanting to die.
How could they be so...
SELFISH.
Elizabeth
They say life begins a soul searching journey.
I say that it’s just the opposite,
Hell bent on trying to become something everyone else says you should be.
The perfect daughter
The perfect thoughts.
Perfect...
I’m far from "Perfect"
What is it anyway?
A mother who’s terminally ill. Not Perfect
A daughter who's 24/7 suicidal. Not Perfect.
Is that what brought me back to the blade?
Yes.
Cutting, it’s my escape. My cause of pain.
The ONE Damn Thing I Have Control Over.
Maybe that's why I do it so much.
Five years and counting.
Sober for some time you could say, but something always brings me back to the blade.
So Here I Sit
On my bed, cutting.
Deep, deep enough to bleed.
Deeper enough to almost hit bone.
No one would care if I was dead,
So Why Not Keep Cutting.
I'm high now too.
Flying on thoughts of Oxycotten and crimson filled nightmares.
Is that all life is?
A nightmare.
Kimberly
A nightmare, I'm awoke by a nightmare. Again. Woke up screaming.
Rushing. There's a rush into my room.
What's wrong with her?
Why's she screaming?
Can't she get over the damn nightmares?
My roommate Alex basically screams.
I suppose being in a mental hospital Does that to you,
(I think I have yet to go any crazier than I was)
But, I've been her longer.
She walked in the day she was admitted
In tears
Crying her eyes out.
"Too many people. Leave... Leave
now...
To many people
. Too much to deal with.
Leave... please."
I'll go. says Alex. Maybe one
less person here will
make
Her fucking screaming stop.
Tom speaks. Alex, go talk to a nurse. Call your mother.
Do something. Once Alex is gone again,
Tom speaks Kimberly, what happened.
Why are you screaming?
Nightmares.
Again.
They.
Haven't.
Stopped.
All.
The.
Same.
I can't breathe. panic attack coming on.
Tom.
Can't. Breathe.
Panic. Attack.
Help...
Screams fall as I fall into unconsciousness.
All eyes dissolve around me as I fall.
Tip back into oblivion.
Conciseness gone.
I feel as if I'm six feet under.
In a giant grave of grey
Soon I'm out of the Dirt
I'm swimming a pool of black, blue, and green.
Slipped out of unconsciousness in an ambulance.
She's coming to.
Kimberly we're transferring you to a different facility.
Andrew.
Facility.
Another facility. Another time to "Think about the ways you've acted Andrew."
They say this time it’s not a juvie dent.
Which means I'm going to a mental hospital.
Three times.
Three different Juvie Dent.
All In Six Months. I didn’t do anything the bastard
Didn’t deserve.
I never did anything in Juvie that a kid didn’t
DESERVE
What a word. Everyone has a different way to describe
What Someone Deserves.
I don’t deserve to be doing time
One way or another until I'm 18
He needed to be Fucked Up.
Never meant to kill him.
Just wanted to do to him what he did to her.
Her.
I loved her. So much
She drove me insane.
So Beautiful
Dove inside my mind.
I couldn’t wait until she was mine until forever.
Elizabeth
Forever is a long time.
Long Enough to be Dead.
Long enough for everyone to forget about me.
I'll be better off dead.
Maybe then. Someone would finally appreciate me.
Once They Don't Have Someone (Me) To Depend On.
I was so sick of being the person they all depended on.
Biology. First hour
Cutting a plants roots, with razorblades
Liz, could you get me a papertowl above the
sinks?
I walk over toward the paper towel dispensers. Grabbed two, shoved one into my pocket.
Thanks Liz, can you grab a razorblade from the stack?
"Sure Kendall, no problem"
I walked to the pile of razors by the counter of beakers and lab technology,
took one into my hand, took another and slipped it into the
Paper Towel Blanket.
I took the blade over
to Kendall,
And Set It down on the large black table
Thanks Buddy. You’re a big help.
She said with a big smile.
"Hey Kendall I'll be back I have to go to the bathroom"
She nodded
I Walked Over
To Ms. Moyenne
"Ms. Moyenne, may I go to the bathroom?"
Of course Elizabeth. Just Don’t Take Too Long.
"I won't take too long at all. Thank you"
I walked towards the nearest bathroom opened the door,
Turned around and locked it
Locked it so no one could get in.
"To Be By Myself."
Silence echoed off the walls as I sat on
The Floor of the bathroom pulled the little metal best friend
out of my Pocket.
Kimberly
They say that when I passed out,
I had a seizure
Maybe that's what the grey was,
Death.
That'd be nice.
Death sounds like a good thing
Something I'd enjoy,
Not something I'd have to constantly make neat, and perfect.
Perfect
to my crazy ass mind
That is what OCD and self destructive depression
Does to You.
The OCD
controls your mind.
while the
Self Destructive Depression
Destroys your being...
Andrew
Being
What is my being anymore?
I've been locked up for two years now.
What Am I Supposed to do
Now?
If I get out,
Will I know how to execute
Myself in Society?
Will Society know the monster I was?
What exactly did that monster become
in detention?
I never learned to
control
my Anger,
My Aggression.
The Monster inside me
Screams when the anger is
bottled up again.
Waits to lash out on the next deserving victim
Will what I did
Ruin my life?
Even more than it already did.
When I close my eyes
I can still see how he looked
After I realized he was dead
and the scream that followed.
Elizabeth
The scream that followed the giant crimson puddle on
The floor.
Was Kendall.
Her voice rang
With a great shrill.
ELIZABETH, WHAT THE HELL?!?!
COME BACK, PLEASE...
YOU'RE SO PALE
SO WHITE
ELIZABETH?!?!?!
ARE YOU
THERE?
What happened next I really don’t remember,
There were screams as they took me
Down the back halls
out the Back doors
I was pale,
White as the snow
Too much blood has been lost.
We don't know if she'll make it
(And the last one I remember) Elizabeth, keep your eyes open, please?
Obviously I made it,
Only wishing that I hadn't
Couldn’t they have just let
Me
Die?
Too much blood has been lost
Then why try to save me?
WE don't know if she'll make it
Just let me die, it's what I want
Elizabeth, keep your eyes open, please?
What's the point? Why should I? Do you really care if I live?
Kimberly
I live with OCD
The papers that sit
on the desk,
filled with signatures of mine
and the admissions lady.
Are crooked, and they
sit in piles of mess.
I Do My Best
To not fix them,
I last two minutes and
Thirty-seven seconds.
Kimberly, what are you doing? The attending spoke
“I have severe OCD I have to fix the papers”
Oh, well if you must, have at it.
She must not
Have looked,
because the papers
Are now in
seven different piles
According to size, color, and signed and
Unsigned.
Wow, you're good at that.
"Yeah, OCD does that to you. I'm horrible,
I'm not good at anything.
My OCD controls my thoughts
While my self-destructive depression
Destroys my mind."
It's the only reason I'm in
...here.
I don’t want to be here.
But I need to be
Two years ago,
they said
Ms. Kyles, your daughter
Kimberly is a danger
To herself, and others around her
These actions prove it.
She can't remain in society.
I'm so sorry
We have to take her to
A mental health facility.
She can't interact with society's norm anymore.
Andrew
Anymore,
I don’t know what I am.
Who is the boy in the mirror
It's not the scared 14 year old
That walked into
Kenneth Correction Facility
three years ago.
Scared alone and
facing
3 years there on good behavior.
What good did that do?
None.
I was gone in two weeks
To another juvie Dent.
To another center
Saint James Juvie. Dent. Corect. Fac.
Some kid wondered why I was there
I told him the straight truth
The kid couldn't be older than 15
Looked too old to be there though.
Maybe time here roughed him up.
I wonder if it'd do the same to me?
"I Killed My Best Friends Father."
Hushes of No way's and
Really?
Wow he's got guts
"Yeah, I tried saying it was self-defense,
but no one
Understood.
I've been chasing Juvie filled dreams
For almost a month now.
Got kicked out of
the Last One I Was In.
Wasn't a pretty Sight."
Suddenly I felt accepted.
Wanted in a place,
where everyone
felt
Like they'd
Never
Belong
Anywhere
Again.
Elizabeth
Again.
Saved from the grasp of
Death again.
Like a wasp that stung the person that walked
in front of you,
Right before it was
Going To
Sting you.
Saved again,
when I don’t want to be saved
Ever.
I don't have anything to
Look forward to.
Except
my mother’s death
The one thing
that would give me
the freedom
I wish for
That's the one thing
I want..
other than death,
Funny thing
Each part of
my Freedom
Involves death.
to me Death
Seems like the
Best thing ever.
I can't wait
for it.
It being death.
To some it seems
Scary.
To me it's the
Only thing that provides
Comfort.
The only thing that keeps me at bay.
Kimberly
My OCD
Keeps me at Bay
it’s a defense I think
I conformed too.
I wish I could,
Deconform it
It Drives Me Insane
It’s the one of two reasons they think I deserve
to sit in confinement
for the rest of my life.
I could've gotten
only a few years,
but the judge thought
I needed to be locked up.
They all thought I should
Be locked up.
For something that
I didn't mean to do.
For good.
My own good
and everyone else’s
around me
the depression swallowed me
whole.
Kept me at bay.
Kept the world around me
Neat, organized,
hectic, chaos,
and horrible.
OCD Controlled how I did things
Depression told me that
I didn't want to do any of it
Andrew
I didn't want to
Kill David,
but I did want to hurt him
hurt him a lot.
Hurt Him,
Just like he hurt my girl.
She's still alive.
Just barely on the
brink of it all
Mentally screwed
Physically screwed
Mentally fucked up.
just like the rest of us.
Her name,
I can't even remember
anymore.
It's pathetic
It's horrible.
I loved her, but I
Can't remember her name
I love her so much,
I still do.
I just don't know what to do
about it.
I could ask to go to my file.
But, it's just too much work
To many papers
To go through.
Too much to look at.
Criminal history
Mental Status
Court dates
Count Hearings
Pleads of "Guilty" and "Not guilty"
Countless other things
Elizabeth
Countless things happened after me
Woke up in the hospital
Elizabeth, you're going to be okay,
We've stitched up the wounds.
but you'll have to go to a mental health center
because we need
to get you
under control
"Under control?
I think I'm pretty under control
I know what I'm doing
This isn't that dangerous!!!"
Elizabeth, you almost
Died.
That is not proving that
You are under control
That is proving that
you have no control.
I have control
Cutting is the one
FUCKING THING THAT I
HAVE CONTROL OVER
AND THAT IS WHY I LIKE
IT SO MUCH, Please.
Just leave me alone.
I didn’t get to be alone,
In and out nurses came
doctors came in doctors went out
Needles poked her
Syringes poked there
Bruised here
like a Goddamed peach
I've had enough,
when will enough be enough?
No one understands
that I don't want this shit,
No one would miss me.
No one. At all
I could overdose on painpills,
Die in a hospital?
I suppose they could
easily save me.
Save me again
Another "Saving Grace"
When all I want is to Fall
From "Grace"
Kimberly
That was my fall from grace,
The night I went insane
The night they said I
Couldn't interact with
Society anymore
If you could call it that.
Society was never society.
It was always a place that
Drove me insane.
It was too dirty
Too much filth
All I Was Trying To Do Was
Clean Him.
He Was Filthy
His Aura Stunk.
I killed him.
Murder, It was
and always will be
My fall from grace.
Andrew
My fall from grace,
Started the same way that
This trip is starting
in the back of a cop car.
Feels the same as it did the last time,
Alone, Cold, and Forgotten.
The two cops talking about something.
I presume doughnuts.
911, what's your emergency?
I was crying hysterically
"he's dead, I killed him... I
I... Need... help. I didn't mean to
Kill.. kill him.
He was... (Sobbing)
he was... he was gonna hurt her.
He said he was gonna
kill her.
I couldn't let him
I love her too much."
Sir what is your location?
What happened?
Please Slow Down.
"1307 West Palmetto Avenue.
Madison, Wisconsin
54466-613
please.. hurry."
Sir, stay on the line with me
until the police and
Emergency Services
Come.
Elizabeth
Emergency Services
That's what they say this hospital will be.
A mental hospital
Locked in a giant room
With people who are crazier than I am
If that's even possible.
What if there is a skizto?
What if I turn into a skitzo?
Can You Catch Crazy?
I know it could be genetic.
But, I'm not crazy
I have everything under control.
Everyone else thinks I have a problem
No. I don’t have a problem.
It's the world that has a problem with me.
I've been slipping again
My grades,
my razors,
my life
me.
All of me wants it
All to go away
The pressure of living life
The pressure of life
The pressure of
Becoming something
When everyone’s expectations are
All too High.
Kimberly
Too High
The prozac gets me
Too high
I won't tell anyone here that
I like getting high.
But a year ago I had to
quit using.
Herion was my
drug of choice.
Ruined my life.
Drove me into a deeper
Darker
Blacker
Hole of Depression.
I threw things
I broke things.
I'd disappear for days at a
Time.
Those days I was
Gone I would do anything
To get the money I needed
For the drugs.
Ever hear of a 13 year old
Prostitute?
Me niether.
Until I became one.
It's amazing
what I did for money
and what they wanted me
To do for the money.
nothing controlled me.
Except the drugs.
There was no OCD when I was
High.
There was no Depression when I was high.
Nothing controlled me, except the fact I needed.
When I started to relapse.
I'd find my way back home.
Andrew
I would never find my way
Back home.
Not after this trip to the mental hospital
I'm not a crazy lunatic
What I did was an accident.
Accidents happen. My mom once said when
She sat behind three inches
of Plexiglass.
But Andrew this couldn't have
been an accident.
Something must've snapped in
you that day.
And She left.
Something snapped in
Me that day alright,
The fact that
my own mother
didn't believe a word
I said. Ever.
I swore that day that I'd never
Believe anyone again.
Believe means
Trusting
Trusting turns into
Lust
Lust turns into
Love.
Love Destroyed Me.
Elizabeth
Madison Wisconsin.
It's my next home.
My next mental state home.
No "Come One, Come All" Ages
Strictly a Teenage Group home.
This is the first time
I'll be around people my age
Will they know me?
Will I know anyone there?
Has anyone from my past
Become a crazy slicer
like I am now?
Or have they
become even worse
than I am?
Is it possible to become
worse than the monster who controls
Every fiber of your being
It's not like I care
If I could I'd take the neerest bus to the
neerest skyscraper,
Go all the way to the top
and jump off
The monster wouldn't
be telling me to.
I'd be controlling myself for once.
I don't know what brought me to the blade in
The first place, but I do know that whatever happened.
I don't regret any of it.
I wonder how my mom is
Wonder if she's doing better?
Or if she's even worse than before,
All because of me.
But I don't care.
They think
"I'm getting the help I need."
I think, the second I get out of here.
I'm jumping off the neerest, tallest
Building and taking
A giant
Leap
Forward.
Kimberly
Forward.
Into the horizon.
That's what they say that this
Group home is.
I've heard one attending say
This is a place where you learn
How to
Become an
Adult
In your troubled
Teen years.
I know how
To get by in a
Place like this
It's easy.
you just have to fly below
the radar.
Don't talk to anyone
Don't become friends with
anyone
Don't make friends with the
Staff, or the attending
don't get yourself stuck
in a relationship with
fake How's it going
Smiles that mean nothing to the person saying
it. And it's nothing but an
Empty promise to you.
Because that's all life is
Empty Promises.
Nothing is ever real
In places like this
Full of Fake Hope
Empty smiles and
promises of
Getting better Kimberly
You're making improvements
But, I'm sorry.
You can't be let out.
I would.
I don't think there is
anything wrong with you.
Just Mistakes.
I know that OCD is impossible to
Control.
And Depression doesn't make
It any better on top of
It.
But, things happen for a
Reason.
Please, just rememeber that.
I'll always love you.
That was perhaps
The biggest lie of all.
He never loved me.
I tried to help him
see that I was a monster.
Nothing but a monster controlled
Thoughts of what "Perfect"
should be and how
I wanted perfect
And what
Depression was
And how far I sunk into it.
Making me
Go mad. Go crazy.
OCD. OCD. OCD.
OCD. OCD. OCD.
Depression. Depression.
Depression. Depression.
They would fight inside my brain.
That towel in the corner
The one you just checked 3 and a half minutes ago
Go check it again.
No, I can't.
I don't have the
Strength to
get up again.
I don't have the
Ambition to get
Up and check again.
You have too.
Go check it.
What if it got crooked?
What if it isn't sitting in the
Spot it needs to be sitting in?
What if... What if...???
GET UP AND GO CHECK IT.
I can't I don't want to
get up again.
I just want to sit here,
and rest.
Sleep,
I'm so exausted.
Please, just...
Let Me Be
"STOP. STOP IT. MAKE IT STOP.
PLEASE... MAKE IT STOP.
THIS IS WORSE THAN THE
NIGHTMARES.
I WANT IT ALL TO END."
Andrew
I want it all to end,
I've wondered what
jumping out of a moving car
Would be like.
I wonder what dying would be like?
Would it be calm?
Would I finally be Happy?
Would it be peaceful?
Or.
Would it be horrible?
Would someone cry?
Would I be miserable?
Is it more possible
For me to be more miserable than
I am now?
I could easily
open the door,
slam into the cement slab,
possibly not die
and just crush all the
bones in my body,
be paralyzed and just
live in misery
I think it'd be better
to die than to live in misery
in more misery than
I am right now.
But, if I become paralyzed
I could easily kill myself
Hopefully that time it
could work.
I'm going to do it.
I will open this door.
One with a deadly addiction, to cutting, and a longing for death
Another has severe OCD and Self-destructive depression Both rip
Her apart at the seams
The last with a deadly secret that has left him jumping from one Juvenile detention to the next
For the past three years.
All wanting to die.
How could they be so...
SELFISH.
Elizabeth
They say life begins a soul searching journey.
I say that it’s just the opposite,
Hell bent on trying to become something everyone else says you should be.
The perfect daughter
The perfect thoughts.
Perfect...
I’m far from "Perfect"
What is it anyway?
A mother who’s terminally ill. Not Perfect
A daughter who's 24/7 suicidal. Not Perfect.
Is that what brought me back to the blade?
Yes.
Cutting, it’s my escape. My cause of pain.
The ONE Damn Thing I Have Control Over.
Maybe that's why I do it so much.
Five years and counting.
Sober for some time you could say, but something always brings me back to the blade.
So Here I Sit
On my bed, cutting.
Deep, deep enough to bleed.
Deeper enough to almost hit bone.
No one would care if I was dead,
So Why Not Keep Cutting.
I'm high now too.
Flying on thoughts of Oxycotten and crimson filled nightmares.
Is that all life is?
A nightmare.
Kimberly
A nightmare, I'm awoke by a nightmare. Again. Woke up screaming.
Rushing. There's a rush into my room.
What's wrong with her?
Why's she screaming?
Can't she get over the damn nightmares?
My roommate Alex basically screams.
I suppose being in a mental hospital Does that to you,
(I think I have yet to go any crazier than I was)
But, I've been her longer.
She walked in the day she was admitted
In tears
Crying her eyes out.
"Too many people. Leave... Leave
now...
To many people
. Too much to deal with.
Leave... please."
I'll go. says Alex. Maybe one
less person here will
make
Her fucking screaming stop.
Tom speaks. Alex, go talk to a nurse. Call your mother.
Do something. Once Alex is gone again,
Tom speaks Kimberly, what happened.
Why are you screaming?
Nightmares.
Again.
They.
Haven't.
Stopped.
All.
The.
Same.
I can't breathe. panic attack coming on.
Tom.
Can't. Breathe.
Panic. Attack.
Help...
Screams fall as I fall into unconsciousness.
All eyes dissolve around me as I fall.
Tip back into oblivion.
Conciseness gone.
I feel as if I'm six feet under.
In a giant grave of grey
Soon I'm out of the Dirt
I'm swimming a pool of black, blue, and green.
Slipped out of unconsciousness in an ambulance.
She's coming to.
Kimberly we're transferring you to a different facility.
Andrew.
Facility.
Another facility. Another time to "Think about the ways you've acted Andrew."
They say this time it’s not a juvie dent.
Which means I'm going to a mental hospital.
Three times.
Three different Juvie Dent.
All In Six Months. I didn’t do anything the bastard
Didn’t deserve.
I never did anything in Juvie that a kid didn’t
DESERVE
What a word. Everyone has a different way to describe
What Someone Deserves.
I don’t deserve to be doing time
One way or another until I'm 18
He needed to be Fucked Up.
Never meant to kill him.
Just wanted to do to him what he did to her.
Her.
I loved her. So much
She drove me insane.
So Beautiful
Dove inside my mind.
I couldn’t wait until she was mine until forever.
Elizabeth
Forever is a long time.
Long Enough to be Dead.
Long enough for everyone to forget about me.
I'll be better off dead.
Maybe then. Someone would finally appreciate me.
Once They Don't Have Someone (Me) To Depend On.
I was so sick of being the person they all depended on.
Biology. First hour
Cutting a plants roots, with razorblades
Liz, could you get me a papertowl above the
sinks?
I walk over toward the paper towel dispensers. Grabbed two, shoved one into my pocket.
Thanks Liz, can you grab a razorblade from the stack?
"Sure Kendall, no problem"
I walked to the pile of razors by the counter of beakers and lab technology,
took one into my hand, took another and slipped it into the
Paper Towel Blanket.
I took the blade over
to Kendall,
And Set It down on the large black table
Thanks Buddy. You’re a big help.
She said with a big smile.
"Hey Kendall I'll be back I have to go to the bathroom"
She nodded
I Walked Over
To Ms. Moyenne
"Ms. Moyenne, may I go to the bathroom?"
Of course Elizabeth. Just Don’t Take Too Long.
"I won't take too long at all. Thank you"
I walked towards the nearest bathroom opened the door,
Turned around and locked it
Locked it so no one could get in.
"To Be By Myself."
Silence echoed off the walls as I sat on
The Floor of the bathroom pulled the little metal best friend
out of my Pocket.
Kimberly
They say that when I passed out,
I had a seizure
Maybe that's what the grey was,
Death.
That'd be nice.
Death sounds like a good thing
Something I'd enjoy,
Not something I'd have to constantly make neat, and perfect.
Perfect
to my crazy ass mind
That is what OCD and self destructive depression
Does to You.
The OCD
controls your mind.
while the
Self Destructive Depression
Destroys your being...
Andrew
Being
What is my being anymore?
I've been locked up for two years now.
What Am I Supposed to do
Now?
If I get out,
Will I know how to execute
Myself in Society?
Will Society know the monster I was?
What exactly did that monster become
in detention?
I never learned to
control
my Anger,
My Aggression.
The Monster inside me
Screams when the anger is
bottled up again.
Waits to lash out on the next deserving victim
Will what I did
Ruin my life?
Even more than it already did.
When I close my eyes
I can still see how he looked
After I realized he was dead
and the scream that followed.
Elizabeth
The scream that followed the giant crimson puddle on
The floor.
Was Kendall.
Her voice rang
With a great shrill.
ELIZABETH, WHAT THE HELL?!?!
COME BACK, PLEASE...
YOU'RE SO PALE
SO WHITE
ELIZABETH?!?!?!
ARE YOU
THERE?
What happened next I really don’t remember,
There were screams as they took me
Down the back halls
out the Back doors
I was pale,
White as the snow
Too much blood has been lost.
We don't know if she'll make it
(And the last one I remember) Elizabeth, keep your eyes open, please?
Obviously I made it,
Only wishing that I hadn't
Couldn’t they have just let
Me
Die?
Too much blood has been lost
Then why try to save me?
WE don't know if she'll make it
Just let me die, it's what I want
Elizabeth, keep your eyes open, please?
What's the point? Why should I? Do you really care if I live?
Kimberly
I live with OCD
The papers that sit
on the desk,
filled with signatures of mine
and the admissions lady.
Are crooked, and they
sit in piles of mess.
I Do My Best
To not fix them,
I last two minutes and
Thirty-seven seconds.
Kimberly, what are you doing? The attending spoke
“I have severe OCD I have to fix the papers”
Oh, well if you must, have at it.
She must not
Have looked,
because the papers
Are now in
seven different piles
According to size, color, and signed and
Unsigned.
Wow, you're good at that.
"Yeah, OCD does that to you. I'm horrible,
I'm not good at anything.
My OCD controls my thoughts
While my self-destructive depression
Destroys my mind."
It's the only reason I'm in
...here.
I don’t want to be here.
But I need to be
Two years ago,
they said
Ms. Kyles, your daughter
Kimberly is a danger
To herself, and others around her
These actions prove it.
She can't remain in society.
I'm so sorry
We have to take her to
A mental health facility.
She can't interact with society's norm anymore.
Andrew
Anymore,
I don’t know what I am.
Who is the boy in the mirror
It's not the scared 14 year old
That walked into
Kenneth Correction Facility
three years ago.
Scared alone and
facing
3 years there on good behavior.
What good did that do?
None.
I was gone in two weeks
To another juvie Dent.
To another center
Saint James Juvie. Dent. Corect. Fac.
Some kid wondered why I was there
I told him the straight truth
The kid couldn't be older than 15
Looked too old to be there though.
Maybe time here roughed him up.
I wonder if it'd do the same to me?
"I Killed My Best Friends Father."
Hushes of No way's and
Really?
Wow he's got guts
"Yeah, I tried saying it was self-defense,
but no one
Understood.
I've been chasing Juvie filled dreams
For almost a month now.
Got kicked out of
the Last One I Was In.
Wasn't a pretty Sight."
Suddenly I felt accepted.
Wanted in a place,
where everyone
felt
Like they'd
Never
Belong
Anywhere
Again.
Elizabeth
Again.
Saved from the grasp of
Death again.
Like a wasp that stung the person that walked
in front of you,
Right before it was
Going To
Sting you.
Saved again,
when I don’t want to be saved
Ever.
I don't have anything to
Look forward to.
Except
my mother’s death
The one thing
that would give me
the freedom
I wish for
That's the one thing
I want..
other than death,
Funny thing
Each part of
my Freedom
Involves death.
to me Death
Seems like the
Best thing ever.
I can't wait
for it.
It being death.
To some it seems
Scary.
To me it's the
Only thing that provides
Comfort.
The only thing that keeps me at bay.
Kimberly
My OCD
Keeps me at Bay
it’s a defense I think
I conformed too.
I wish I could,
Deconform it
It Drives Me Insane
It’s the one of two reasons they think I deserve
to sit in confinement
for the rest of my life.
I could've gotten
only a few years,
but the judge thought
I needed to be locked up.
They all thought I should
Be locked up.
For something that
I didn't mean to do.
For good.
My own good
and everyone else’s
around me
the depression swallowed me
whole.
Kept me at bay.
Kept the world around me
Neat, organized,
hectic, chaos,
and horrible.
OCD Controlled how I did things
Depression told me that
I didn't want to do any of it
Andrew
I didn't want to
Kill David,
but I did want to hurt him
hurt him a lot.
Hurt Him,
Just like he hurt my girl.
She's still alive.
Just barely on the
brink of it all
Mentally screwed
Physically screwed
Mentally fucked up.
just like the rest of us.
Her name,
I can't even remember
anymore.
It's pathetic
It's horrible.
I loved her, but I
Can't remember her name
I love her so much,
I still do.
I just don't know what to do
about it.
I could ask to go to my file.
But, it's just too much work
To many papers
To go through.
Too much to look at.
Criminal history
Mental Status
Court dates
Count Hearings
Pleads of "Guilty" and "Not guilty"
Countless other things
Elizabeth
Countless things happened after me
Woke up in the hospital
Elizabeth, you're going to be okay,
We've stitched up the wounds.
but you'll have to go to a mental health center
because we need
to get you
under control
"Under control?
I think I'm pretty under control
I know what I'm doing
This isn't that dangerous!!!"
Elizabeth, you almost
Died.
That is not proving that
You are under control
That is proving that
you have no control.
I have control
Cutting is the one
FUCKING THING THAT I
HAVE CONTROL OVER
AND THAT IS WHY I LIKE
IT SO MUCH, Please.
Just leave me alone.
I didn’t get to be alone,
In and out nurses came
doctors came in doctors went out
Needles poked her
Syringes poked there
Bruised here
like a Goddamed peach
I've had enough,
when will enough be enough?
No one understands
that I don't want this shit,
No one would miss me.
No one. At all
I could overdose on painpills,
Die in a hospital?
I suppose they could
easily save me.
Save me again
Another "Saving Grace"
When all I want is to Fall
From "Grace"
Kimberly
That was my fall from grace,
The night I went insane
The night they said I
Couldn't interact with
Society anymore
If you could call it that.
Society was never society.
It was always a place that
Drove me insane.
It was too dirty
Too much filth
All I Was Trying To Do Was
Clean Him.
He Was Filthy
His Aura Stunk.
I killed him.
Murder, It was
and always will be
My fall from grace.
Andrew
My fall from grace,
Started the same way that
This trip is starting
in the back of a cop car.
Feels the same as it did the last time,
Alone, Cold, and Forgotten.
The two cops talking about something.
I presume doughnuts.
911, what's your emergency?
I was crying hysterically
"he's dead, I killed him... I
I... Need... help. I didn't mean to
Kill.. kill him.
He was... (Sobbing)
he was... he was gonna hurt her.
He said he was gonna
kill her.
I couldn't let him
I love her too much."
Sir what is your location?
What happened?
Please Slow Down.
"1307 West Palmetto Avenue.
Madison, Wisconsin
54466-613
please.. hurry."
Sir, stay on the line with me
until the police and
Emergency Services
Come.
Elizabeth
Emergency Services
That's what they say this hospital will be.
A mental hospital
Locked in a giant room
With people who are crazier than I am
If that's even possible.
What if there is a skizto?
What if I turn into a skitzo?
Can You Catch Crazy?
I know it could be genetic.
But, I'm not crazy
I have everything under control.
Everyone else thinks I have a problem
No. I don’t have a problem.
It's the world that has a problem with me.
I've been slipping again
My grades,
my razors,
my life
me.
All of me wants it
All to go away
The pressure of living life
The pressure of life
The pressure of
Becoming something
When everyone’s expectations are
All too High.
Kimberly
Too High
The prozac gets me
Too high
I won't tell anyone here that
I like getting high.
But a year ago I had to
quit using.
Herion was my
drug of choice.
Ruined my life.
Drove me into a deeper
Darker
Blacker
Hole of Depression.
I threw things
I broke things.
I'd disappear for days at a
Time.
Those days I was
Gone I would do anything
To get the money I needed
For the drugs.
Ever hear of a 13 year old
Prostitute?
Me niether.
Until I became one.
It's amazing
what I did for money
and what they wanted me
To do for the money.
nothing controlled me.
Except the drugs.
There was no OCD when I was
High.
There was no Depression when I was high.
Nothing controlled me, except the fact I needed.
When I started to relapse.
I'd find my way back home.
Andrew
I would never find my way
Back home.
Not after this trip to the mental hospital
I'm not a crazy lunatic
What I did was an accident.
Accidents happen. My mom once said when
She sat behind three inches
of Plexiglass.
But Andrew this couldn't have
been an accident.
Something must've snapped in
you that day.
And She left.
Something snapped in
Me that day alright,
The fact that
my own mother
didn't believe a word
I said. Ever.
I swore that day that I'd never
Believe anyone again.
Believe means
Trusting
Trusting turns into
Lust
Lust turns into
Love.
Love Destroyed Me.
Elizabeth
Madison Wisconsin.
It's my next home.
My next mental state home.
No "Come One, Come All" Ages
Strictly a Teenage Group home.
This is the first time
I'll be around people my age
Will they know me?
Will I know anyone there?
Has anyone from my past
Become a crazy slicer
like I am now?
Or have they
become even worse
than I am?
Is it possible to become
worse than the monster who controls
Every fiber of your being
It's not like I care
If I could I'd take the neerest bus to the
neerest skyscraper,
Go all the way to the top
and jump off
The monster wouldn't
be telling me to.
I'd be controlling myself for once.
I don't know what brought me to the blade in
The first place, but I do know that whatever happened.
I don't regret any of it.
I wonder how my mom is
Wonder if she's doing better?
Or if she's even worse than before,
All because of me.
But I don't care.
They think
"I'm getting the help I need."
I think, the second I get out of here.
I'm jumping off the neerest, tallest
Building and taking
A giant
Leap
Forward.
Kimberly
Forward.
Into the horizon.
That's what they say that this
Group home is.
I've heard one attending say
This is a place where you learn
How to
Become an
Adult
In your troubled
Teen years.
I know how
To get by in a
Place like this
It's easy.
you just have to fly below
the radar.
Don't talk to anyone
Don't become friends with
anyone
Don't make friends with the
Staff, or the attending
don't get yourself stuck
in a relationship with
fake How's it going
Smiles that mean nothing to the person saying
it. And it's nothing but an
Empty promise to you.
Because that's all life is
Empty Promises.
Nothing is ever real
In places like this
Full of Fake Hope
Empty smiles and
promises of
Getting better Kimberly
You're making improvements
But, I'm sorry.
You can't be let out.
I would.
I don't think there is
anything wrong with you.
Just Mistakes.
I know that OCD is impossible to
Control.
And Depression doesn't make
It any better on top of
It.
But, things happen for a
Reason.
Please, just rememeber that.
I'll always love you.
That was perhaps
The biggest lie of all.
He never loved me.
I tried to help him
see that I was a monster.
Nothing but a monster controlled
Thoughts of what "Perfect"
should be and how
I wanted perfect
And what
Depression was
And how far I sunk into it.
Making me
Go mad. Go crazy.
OCD. OCD. OCD.
OCD. OCD. OCD.
Depression. Depression.
Depression. Depression.
They would fight inside my brain.
That towel in the corner
The one you just checked 3 and a half minutes ago
Go check it again.
No, I can't.
I don't have the
Strength to
get up again.
I don't have the
Ambition to get
Up and check again.
You have too.
Go check it.
What if it got crooked?
What if it isn't sitting in the
Spot it needs to be sitting in?
What if... What if...???
GET UP AND GO CHECK IT.
I can't I don't want to
get up again.
I just want to sit here,
and rest.
Sleep,
I'm so exausted.
Please, just...
Let Me Be
"STOP. STOP IT. MAKE IT STOP.
PLEASE... MAKE IT STOP.
THIS IS WORSE THAN THE
NIGHTMARES.
I WANT IT ALL TO END."
Andrew
I want it all to end,
I've wondered what
jumping out of a moving car
Would be like.
I wonder what dying would be like?
Would it be calm?
Would I finally be Happy?
Would it be peaceful?
Or.
Would it be horrible?
Would someone cry?
Would I be miserable?
Is it more possible
For me to be more miserable than
I am now?
I could easily
open the door,
slam into the cement slab,
possibly not die
and just crush all the
bones in my body,
be paralyzed and just
live in misery
I think it'd be better
to die than to live in misery
in more misery than
I am right now.
But, if I become paralyzed
I could easily kill myself
Hopefully that time it
could work.
I'm going to do it.
I will open this door.