Past, present, and future.

It's become clear that I shouldn't be
in a place like this. Where I'm so lucky.

I can't be happy,
being so lazy.
Can't be comfortable.
It's unaffordable.

I have no money. The deal's been broken.
With hours and hours of useless words spoken.
Let's chat, let's talk, let's strike a new bargain.
Only to wind up at the conclusion
that all we've spun is useless jargon.

I'm at a loss for what to say.
I'm not quite sure if I should stay,
or if I should pray
for the right to play,
or work for the right
where I pay my way.

There's so much guilt.
It coats my brain.
All that's been built
can't stay the same.

I'm at the end of my rope.
I'm hanging off the edge.
I'm one foot off the ledge.

I'm going to make the dive
into my thoughts
to reassess
where I'm supposed to be.
But it's a scary sea
full of struggles
and misery.

I'm not ready,
but I don't have a choice.
I can't voice
another offering
to the top dogs
who are my Gods.
There is nothing.

There is no sacrifice great enough
in return for all the time and love
I've greedily stolen from their lives
and sucked into my vortex of a life.

The vortex created
in the very moment
that I opened my eyes
and witnessed my parent's
own destructive black hole.

I have become my own exploding star
and I am at a loss for where to go.
Except for deeper in my endless dark.

Where my negativity waxes and wanes.
Along with the hopes and dreams that never change.
And who else could I possibly blame?
When, despite the change, I've stayed the same?

I can wish for a different reality,
but I'm too aware of where that gets me.

Only so far as to
continue my sentence
in this version of fate.
That I so love to hate.
And I can debate
how it wasn't fair,
how they didn't care,
how I continue to fail.
But that doesn't change a thing.
And then I'm still at the beginning,
pleading and begging to be swooped away
far from this jail I consider today.